Untitled fan fiction

This is a fan fiction i started writing during class one day:

[the scene opens up with Jamie holding a dead rat and Reese walks in and sees Jamie]

Reese: (gasps) This is the moment I've been waiting for!

[a little while later you see Dewey playing piano and Jamie is sitting on the kitchen table with his dead rat. Reese meanwhile is standing a bit farther back from the table examining how Jamie looks when Lois walks in]

Lois: Reese what are you doing?
Reese: Training Jamie to be a star...
Lois: You're out of your mind. (Takes Jamie)
Reese: No! You can't just take him from me. I loved that rat!
Lois: Yes I can and I will.
Reese: (takes the rat from Jamie) [Jamie starts crying]
Lois: Oh for heavens sake.
(Malcolm walks in)
Malcolm: (to camera) So, Reese has been on this I have to find the right moment and I'll have my inspiration for my life thing. We still have no clue what he's talking about. (turn back onto the scene) What's going on here? (Looks from Reese to Jamie)

.....to be continued.....
could you please give me some feedback on this thanx
 

MITM18

New member
Well for one thing, from these three lines

[a little while later you see Dewey playing piano and Jamie is sitting on the kitchen table with his dead rat and Lois walks in]

Where is Reese in that description? The next line is:

Lois: Reese what are you doing?

So I am not sure how Reese fits into this scene?

Then you start talking about how Reese wanted someone to be a star, the rat? I dont understand at all whats going on, Lois takes Jamie away from sitting on the table and Reese complains about the dead rat and how he was going to make it a star, no clue whats going on.

Lois: (Takes the rat from Jamie and gives it to Reese)

Just saying, this would never happen in the real show, why would Lois encourage him?
 

admin

Retired Administrator
ultimatemalcolmfan said:
This is a fan fiction i started writing during class one day:

[the scene opens up with Jamie holding a dead rat and Reese walks in and sees Jamie]

Reese: (gasps) This is the moment I've been waiting for!

[a little while later you see Dewey playing piano and Jamie is sitting on the kitchen table with his dead rat and Lois walks in]

Lois: Reese what are you doing?
Reese: Training him to be a star...
Lois: You're out of your mind. (Takes Jamie)
Reese: No! You can't just take him from me. I loved that rat!
Lois: (Takes the rat from Jamie and gives it to Reese)
Reese: Finally, my precious. [Jamie starts crying]
Lois: Oh for heavens sake.
(Malcolm walks in)
Malcolm: What's going on here? (Looks from Reese to Jamie)

.....to be continued.....
could you please give me some feedback on this thanx
Yeah its a good start, although I am not to fond of the Malcolm entrance line, I am not sure he would say "What's going on here" perhaps just walk in growning about something, or introduce to the camera the link between Reese and the Rat or something like that.
 

admin

Retired Administrator
i think he has only done the very very first few lines. He'll need alot more than that to make any story line up :D
 
That was just something I came up with in class. I'm not done at all it was really just a rough draft. I'll have to go back and change a few things. one more thing i'm not a guy
 
...continued fanfiction...
Dewey: Jamie had a dead rat.
Malcolm: Oh....(takes Dewey over to the side) We have to be very careful with this. This is a very delicate situation for both of them.
Dewey: Got it.
Malcolm: One more thing go grab the english muffins.
[Dewey goes and grabs the english muffins]
Malcolm: Reese, we have something for you....(nods to Dewey)
Dewey: Does Reese want an english muffin?
Reese: English muffin! (goes to grab for it)
Malcolm: Ah ha ha- drop the rt and you get the muffin.
Reese: (looks mournfully at the rat and pretends to drop it and grabs the enlgish muffin and runs off)
Dewey: Hey, he got both!
Malcolm: Ah, crap!
[Jamie starts crying even louder]
Lois: Oh, Jamie it's ok. It's just a stupid rat. (Takes Jamie to the other room)
 

MITM18

New member
Just saying, but I would never expect Lois to give the rat back to Reese.

I would expect her to take away the rat and dispose of it.

Why encourage Reese?
 
I edited the story. Look above....she didn't encourage Reese she said he was out of his mind and took Jamie but Reese came and stole the rat before she could take him away
 

MITM18

New member
I see, well why wouldnt Lois just ripp the rat from Jamie's hand and throw it out.

I would expect her to do that or screem when she sees the dead rat.

I know that Reese likes animals but a dead rat, not my taste.

But thats my opinion.
 

yardgames

Retired Administrator
Let's keep it positive, everyone. i, too, found it a tad confusing, ultimate, but it's looking better. Maybe when Fox comes to the site (MITM18) they'll like it and use it in a S7 ep.
 

MITM18

New member
Its called constructive criticism when I point out the negatives.

I would hope the MITM writers could come up something original on there own.
 

NeCoHo

Retired Mod
ultimatemalcolmfan said:
[the scene opens up with Jamie holding a dead rat and Reese walks in and sees Jamie]

Reese: (gasps) This is the moment I've been waiting for!

[a little while later you see Dewey playing piano and Jamie is sitting on the kitchen table with his dead rat. Reese meanwhile is standing a bit farther back from the table examining how Jamie looks when Lois walks in]

Lois: Reese what are you doing?
Reese: Training Jamie to be a star...
Lois: You're out of your mind. (Takes Jamie)
Reese: No! You can't just take him from me. I loved that rat!
Lois: Yes I can and I will.
Reese: (takes the rat from Jamie) [Jamie starts crying]
Lois: Oh for heavens sake.
(Malcolm walks in)
Malcolm: (to camera) So, Reese has been on this I have to find the right moment and I'll have my inspiration for my life thing. We still have no clue what he's talking about. (turn back onto the scene) What's going on here? (Looks from Reese to Jamie)
I think it's gotten a lot better. Malcolm's explanation really helps. If I were a writer, I think that would be a good cold opener, or a tie-in to the plot of an episode.
 

admin

Retired Administrator
I still don't think "What's going on here" is something Malcolm would say, especially since he's just explained basically whats going on.

I personally would have Malcolm introduce the main or secondary storyline at this point.

If anyone else wants some fanfic ideas, there is a site http://www.fanfiction.net/l/440/3/0/1/1/0/0/0/1/ with a collection 52 storys. I haven't read them :D
 

MITM-Fan

New member
this "dead rat" thing reminds me of a Beavis and Butt-Head episode. :D
But I don't get it what this story is all about. :confused:

:cool:
 

admin

Retired Administrator
MITM-Fan said:
this "dead rat" thing reminds me of a Beavis and Butt-Head episode. :D
But I don't get it what this story is all about. :confused:

:cool:
I don't think ultimatefan has finished it yet, I am sure it will be a really good fanfic when its done, I can't wait to find out what this rats all about :D
 
Yeah, this whole thing is I got bored in class so I came up with that idea that I have right now. It's not done. I'm gonna have to work on it some more. I'll post more soon, I promise!
 
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