I agree. ------------
Possibly the strangest fan fic I've read.
Source: http://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/fictio...mallory-middleOriginal story by Annabelle Raven
Characters from TV series “Malcolm in the Middle”
Created by Linwood Boomer
Based on the Episode “If Boys Were Girls”
Lois Wilkerson had her hands full raising four sons, and it was getting to her.
Her sons Malcolm, Dewey, and Reese were all behaving badly; Dewey the youngest kept bugging her to buy him the newest X-Box game, while Malcolm (2nd youngest) and Reese (2nd oldest) were constantly fighting and bickering. To make matters worse, Frances, oldest son of Lois and her husband Hal, was such a delinquent, that he had been sent to military school years before, and now worked in a series of deadbeat jobs while fooling around with loose women.
Lois was at her wits end. Her husband Hal was quite bumbling and nebbish and didn’t provide the boys with a strong male role model.
All these years of suffering in a male dominated household drove Lois off the deep end – she grew to hate the male of the species for being so shallow, aggressive, brutal, and uncultivated.
On this day, Lois was attempting to get her three youngest sons new school clothes – Hal was off trying to deal with his very hairy back, that made him itch. Lois was quite stressed,
Lois knew that she would be bickering with the boys in the department store, and being grossed out while they wolfed down giant chili cheeseburgers in the food court at the mall.
Lois saw a young mother and her daughters going out of a boutique. The girls had bags from various stores and could see that they had bought some dresses, lingerie, and shoes. The girls were laughing and the mother had a big smile on her face.
Lois sighed. “Just once,” she spoke to herself, “instead of sons, I wish I had daughters.”
Suddenly, the new ring on her finger that Hal had gotten from some stranger at a flea market – it was opaque with nice shape, even though it wasn’t her birthstone – started glowing and then subsided.
“Huh? What the hell was that?” she mumbled, as she toyed with taking the ring off, but it was now a stunning 14 karat diamond.
Suddenly, a very cute but somewhat familiar girl approached Lois. “Mom! Come look at the pretty dress Renee and Mallory picked out for me!”
Renee? Mallory? Lois knew those were names she had selected for her sons if they had been born daughters – and somehow she knew that this little girl was really Dewey – or rather Daisy!
“Trust me sis,” Renee (the former Reese) said, “this color matches your hair and eyes so well.
Lois gasped. As a boy, Reese never cared what he looked like, and now he – she – was giving fashion advice? And she was gushing as she was picking various clothing items – girls' clothes – from the racks!
“Let’s ask Mom what she thinks – she always has a great eye for color,” Mallory (who used to be Malcolm) asked.
Well this was a change – Malcolm was an extremely bright boy who often had little patience for his mom’s demands for the household. In contrast, Mallory seemed to look to her mother with adoring eyes.
“You… you’d look great honey, um, listen, I’m kind of hungry, so why don’t we head over to the food court I know you are all dying for one of those burgers.”
“BURGERS?” the three girls chortled in digest. “You know I have to lose a few pounds so I can get into my prom dress,” Renee said, “so nothing but a salad for me.”
“Me too!” Daisy said. “I’m going to be as pretty as both my sisters!
Lois had to hold back the tears. Somehow a miracle had happened. Her unruly sons were now three perfect daughters!
The four gals spent the rest of the day going from store to store, and came home with a car full of bags! Lois decided to have the girls make dinner and do some chores, while she took a nap.
Lois was shaken awake by her returning husband Hal. “Lois, where are the boys? And who are these girls doing chores and making dinner? And why the hell are there bags full of girls' clothes in the living room.”
Lois grinned. “We don’t have boys anymore Hal. Those are our beautiful daughters – and I don’t know why it’s happened – I think it has to do with this ring you gave me.”
Hal gulped. He remembered when he got the ring at the flea market. He swore as if the ring was calling out to him – he knew his family would think he was crazy if he told them that at the time – but now it must really have been magic. For once, he thought fast on his feet.
“Darling, I know you’re tired from a long day of shopping. I’ll help the girls make dinner.” Hal said with a shy smile. Lois closed and her eyes and mouthed a thank you. She was looking forward to Hal being the only man in the household.
An hour later, Lois was awoken when she heard a woman’s voice say “Hello handsome. Time to wake up.” Lois opened her eyes to see an attractive middle aged woman – wearing one of her sweater and slack sets – who looked very familiar – and had her magic ring on! Could it be?
“It’s me, Hal – but you can call me Helene. And your new name is Lyle!”
What Lois feared most stared back at her when she looked at her own body. Now she had a broad chest, and it was hairy! Ewww!
“I’ve always wanted to be a woman, Lyle; you know I wasn’t a very manly man. But I didn’t want to let my boys down. But now, I have four beautiful daughters, say hello to Fay.”
“Hi Daddy!” Lois’s former son Frances chirped. She was now a glamorous blonde with a figure to kill for.
“But why do I have to be the man?” Lyle cried. “I wanted an all girl household!”
Lyle ended up running away from the family. He moved to Las Vegas to try his hand as a drag queen showgirl – albeit not a very good one. He was just too hairy! The other girls loved being girls and lived happily ever after!
Renee and Mallory never fought constantly the way Reese and Malcolm did. The sisters shared everything including clothes, makeup, and often went on double dates together. Boys thought the sisters were the two hottest girls on campus!
Big sister Fay was still a wild child. She became a top exotic dancer at the gentleman’s club across town.
Little sister Daisy wasn’t into robots and bikes the way Dewey had been. She was the ultimate girly-girl who wore pink, played with dolls, and wanted to grow up to be just as happy and pretty her sisters – and her new mom!
While Hal had been a failure as a father figure, Helene seemingly was born to be a great mother – and a beautiful woman. Despite Lyle/Lois’s departure, Helene was able to raise her girls, advance further in her job than ever before (mostly from her enhanced sense of style and dress) and was able to learn to love being a woman – including being pursued by the town’s most eligible bachelor.
Helene remarried this year in a lovely ceremony – all four of her beautiful daughters were bridesmaids!
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I agree. ------------
That is simply the weirdest fan fiction I've ever read. Lois, a man? O.O
you wanna follow the laws of man?
bloody apron, leg of lamb.
it's so hard to win...
when there's so much to lose.
Malcolm's Vacation (Or is it?)
Part I: "Burnt Breakfast"
The alarm clock rang. Aw, I thought. I didn't feel like waking up. It's Saturday morning. My alarm clock says it's 7:30 AM. I mean, come on. Who wakes up early on a Saturday? Wait a minute. I didn't even set my alarm clock. It must have been that idiot Reese.
Just then, with my vision all blurry, a figure walked up to me. The figure then gave me a good punch. Great, now I have a nosebleed.
"Reese, you idiot! You set my alarm clock, you jerk!" Well, the good thing was, we planned a secret vacation that only Reese, Dewey and I know about. I almost forgot about it. I shouldn't have screamed so loudly, since Mom and Dad were sleeping in the other room. At least Reese woke me up.
Reese and I tiptoed quietly down the stairs. Actually, I shouldn't say "quietly" because these stupid stairs make a pretty loud creepy noise.
During the night, I set Mom's alarm clock back six hours, so right now, on Mom's clock, it says 1:30 AM. So Mom, falling for my plan, yelled (in her loudest possible voice), "Malcolm! Reese! Go back to sleep! It's only 1:30 in the morning!!!!!!!!!!!" See what I mean about those stairs? They can even wake Mom up, even when she's in her deep sleep. I guess Dewey didn't dissolve those sleeping pills in Mom's water like Reese and I told him to. Meanwhile, despite Mom's loud "shaking the walls" scream, Dad was still snoring away. He's a light sleeper. I wish Mom was like that, too.
We went to get something to eat. Reese took out a waffle from the freezer. He went to preheat the oven. Well, I guess Dad taking Reese to cooking class paid off this time. Before he had cooking lessons, he would let the waffle burn and create smoke all over the house. The thing was, Mom can smell the smoke, since her room was directly above the kitchen.
"I'm just going to preheat the oven," Reese said.
I replied, "No! Just time it using that clock. Only 5 minutes, and then it's ready."
So Reese put the waffle in the toaster oven. I didn't like waffles, so I raided the snack drawer and ate a Ho-Ho. There's nothing like a good cream-filled snack cake in the morning. But I wasn't full, so I just poured myself a bowl of Cheerios. "With 7 essential nutrients," I said as I read the front of the cereal box.
10 minutes later, I started to smell something burning. I looked at Reese standing over by the toaster. Reese wasn't that bright of a kid, I would admit. "You idiot! Can't you do anything right?"
"You said 5 minutes, didn't you?"
"Well, it's not an exact science, you doofus!"
"OK! Take a look at that clock."
I looked at the clock. It had stopped about a minute after Reese put the waffle in the toaster oven. Uh, oh! What about Mom? But I didn't hear her screaming! I went back upstairs to my room after I wolfed down my Cheerios. I didn't want Mom to find out I was in the kitchen with... Dinah (just kidding). I was in the kitchen with Reese, who made a complete ASS out of himself. I went back to my room. I asked Dewey why Mom wasn't screaming.
"Dewey? What happened to Mom?"
"Mom? Oh, I just put some noseplugs on her. And on Dad. Just in case."
"Great thinking, Dewey."
Meanwhile, Reese used the fire extinguisher to get rid of the fire that was burning in the toaster oven. Just then, the stupid smoke alarm rang.
All of a sudden, I heard a big thud. It was Mom getting out of bed. Her alarm clock said 2:00 AM.
"Boyyyyyyyyyyysssssssssssssssssss!" she screamed. Dewey and I kind of laughed, even though we knew we were going to get grounded. But we laughed because of the way Mom's voice sounded when she had noseplugs on. That reminded me of the time when we went on vacation to Wavetown USA, and I had to wear a noseplug thing for the entire day. That was one vacation I will never forget.
"You boys are grounded for 2 months!!!!!!!!"
OK. So we always get grounded. That's the way things happen in this family. We do something bad, and we get grounded. I'm used to it. But this time, our thanks for getting grounded goes to Reese.
"Just who do you think you are? Running away in the middle of the night?!!!!?????? That's it, Mister. You asked for it!!!"
She went downstairs to the toolshed, and took a hammer, some nails, and some pretty thick wood. Then she came back upstairs and bolted our windows!!!! Can you believe it?
Reese was still downstairs, and he finally managed to extinguish the fire.
BANG! BANG! BANG! Mom finally finished bolting our windows.
"Awwwwww!" Dewey complained.
"Now our vacation is ruined."
"Vacation?!!?" Mom asked sarcastically. "VACATION!!!!!?????? You were planning a vacation!!????!!! Ok, I'll give you a vacation."
She unplugged our TV, took away our board games, and even the big Party Bag of Doritos Nacho Cheese Chips that was hidden under Dewey's Herbie doll.
"No TV, no games, no books, no nothing, for the next two months! I need to teach you boys a lesson. I'm only giving you boys a diet of bread and water for the next two months."
She left the room. She went downstairs to deal with Reese.
"Reese!!!!!!!! Get over here!" I heard Reese choke on his waffle.
"Don't you "what, mom?" me! I know you were planning a vacation." Mom took the waffle from Reese's hand and threw it in the trash. "Now, up to your room, mister!!!!!!!!"
Reese tramped up the stairs. He was certainly one mean, looking boy now. I hurried back to my room, so Reese wouldn't know that I was spying on him.
Reese had hidden a small package of gum and another waffle in his pants. Ewwww!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Who wants food?" Reese whispered.
"I do." replied Dewey.
Reese tossed Dewey a stick of gum and a third of a burnt waffle.
"How'd you get all this food up here?" I asked.
"I hid it in my pants." Reese answered.
On impulse, Dewey spat out the waffle. It hit me in the face. Blecchh!!!!!!!
"How are we going to get out of here?" Reese asked.
"Mom goes to work today. Once she's out of the house, we'll ask Dad. He usually gives in." I said, hoping that the last part of what I said is true.
"OK, but make sure he doesn't take us to the Stock Car Races again. I was bored to death there." Reese said.
Reese was right. I absolutely hated the Stock Car Races. Rusty Malcolm. So what? I was named after him? Big deal.
When Mom's clock said 9:00 AM, she was out the door. Great. Mom is out! Oh, crap! It's 3:00 PM right now. We can't have much of a vacation right now. But Dad came and asked us, "Who wants to go on a road trip?"
"I do!!" Dewey and Reese said simultaneously.
I knew this was a bad idea. Mom's going to be home in three hours.
"Pack your bags! We're ready to head across town!" Dad said, sounding very excited. Reese and Dewey convinced me that going on a road trip was much, much better than staying at home.
"OK, I'll go!" I finally said.
I didn't know what I was getting myself into. I was constantly worrying "What if Mom finds us? She'll ground us for the next 50 zillion years." Not that we'll live that long. Even if we did, we'll be bags of bones. I wonder what Mom would look like then.
Dad drove the car out of the garage, and off we went.
It didn't seem so bad after all. Getting out of the house that smelled of burning smoke was already turning out to be the start of a terrific vacation.
As Dad drove down three blocks, I can hear Dewey and Reese saying, "Uh oh!" at the same time, as if they had rehearsed a secret play that I didn't know about.
2 seconds later, I said "Uh, oh!" as well, as a familiar car with a familiar license plate, with a familiar person inside driving it, pulled up beside Dad.
Part III: "Honking the Cars"
"License and registration, please." So you all thought it was Mom, huh? Gotcha. It was the police officer Max Copp, who pulled Dad over 20 times, I believe.
"What's wrong, Officer Copp?" Dad asked, trying to sound as though nothing had happened.
"Didn't you know that you were zooming off at 100 km/h?"
"But this is a highway."
"Well, read the speed limit over on that signpost: 90 km/h!!!!!!! OK, going over the speed limit is a $75 fine. You have 25 days to pay up." Officer Copp said. Then he drove off, because there was another car driving in the wrong direction on a one-way street.
I looked at Dad's reaction. He was sweating like a pig. He never got pulled over so many times. But we were in a hurry. We wanted to go across town and back before Mom got home.
OK. I did some quick calculations, and Dad still owed $5032.56 in unpaid parking and speeding tickets. OUCH!
So Dad decided to drive slower this time. Once he was off the highway. He took exit 22A and (can you believe it?) a car crash.
He had to detour. But all the other roads were blocked.
So Dad had to honk at the car behind him, which was technically impossible. That car behind Dad had to honk at the car behind him, and that car behind that car behind dad's car had to honk at the car behind him, and so on. You get the idea. So it was like a domino effect of car honking.
We finally got back on the highway, after like 10 minutes.
"Wow! Dude, this is so awesome!" Reese exclaimed.
"Yeah, it is so awesome! So awesome that we're going to get grounded." I said, trying to sound interested in this stupid road trip, if indeed that's what it is.
"Relax, buttmunch. We're already grounded. This road trip is our ticket out of prison!"
"Yeah, grounded because of you!!!!"
"Will you two stop arguing!!!!!!!???????????" Dad yelled.
Gosh, I never heard Dad yell before.
"How do you expect me to concentrate when you two are back there blabbing about who's fault it is that you boys are grounded? How would you like it if you were the driver and I was back there arguing with Dewey?"
"I would LOVE THAT!" Reese said.
So Reese, being the idiot that he already is, climbed into the driver's seat. Reese asked Dad to just sit in the back, and that he'll take it from there. Dewey and I pulled our seatbelts tighter, as tight as we can. Reese sped, going 160 km/h. We had to say something, otherwise we're going to get killed. I can't die right now. I'm only 14.
"Reese! Slow down!" I yelled.
"Shut up, Malcolm." retorted Reese.
Finally, as if by magic, Reese came to a sudden halt. But I saw him trembling with fear. I looked at the direction that Reese was looking. It looks like Mom's car. But I don't think so. Mom doesn't get off work until 6:00, and it's only 4:30. But then I saw Mom getting out of the car. Oh, my god. I'm (I mean, we're so dead).
Part IV: "Lois' Revenge"
"Oh my GOD!!! Reese? How could you???!!!!!!!" This time, it was MOM talking. Mom peered into the back seats of the car.
"HAL? What is WRONG with you? I told you, THE BOYS ARE GROUNDED!!!!!!" Mom yelled, so loud that everyone on the highway stopped by to see. But the thing was, the front car stopped, so the car behind the front car crashed into the front car, and the car behind the car behind the front car crashed into the car behind the car behind the front car. I assume you get the idea. It's that domino effect again.
"Lois, the boys wanted to get some uh, uh," Hal said, stuttering.
"POSTERBOARD!" Reese exclaimed.
"What? We don't need posterboard," Malcolm answered. "School's out. It's summer!"
Maybe I could have said that we did need posterboard, to advertise the "ANTI-GROUNDING CLUB", and get as many kids across town to sign a petition. But if I had said that, Mom would just ground us even more, because we all know that Mom was the boss of this family.
"That's it. We're going home right now!!!!!!!!!" Mom said.
Maybe Mom got off early. But what really happened was that Mom got fired from her job, for arriving at her shift 6 hours late. I guess that could explain her anger. That and Reese driving Dad's car. Reese doesn't even have his license. But luckily, Officer Copp didn't come back.
"I TOLD YOU BOYS TO STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU KNOW WHAT? WHEN WE GET HOME, I'M JUST GOING TO THROW ALL YOUR TOYS AWAY! YOU BOYS NEED TO LEARN THAT WE LOVE YOU, AND WE WANT YOU TO BE SAFE. BUT YOU JUST TAKE EVERYTHING FOR GRANTED!!"
We heard an echo, that lasted for quite a while.
Reese got out of the car, and sat back in the back seat. Man, was this one hell of a vacation or what? Our plan did not follow through as expected. For one thing, we weren't supposed to be caught by Mom, and another thing was that this was going to be our best summer vacation ever.
1 hour later...
We got home safely. Mom opened the front door and headed straight for our rooms. She had in her hand 5 garbage bags. One by one, she threw away our possessions.
She named each item as she threw it in the bag. "Herbie, GI Joes, Lego, more Lego, even more Lego". We just loved to build with Lego. But now, our Lego is gone. We watched in horror, as our eyes grew wider and wider.
"No! This can't be happening!" Dewey screamed. "It's a monster!!!!!!" Dewey let out an ear piercing scream. Even Mom couldn't bear it. She had to cover her ears, and she dropped the bags. But none of our toys came out. Then we realized she had tied the bags up before Dewey had a chance to distract her.
Mom heard the garbage truck on the other side of the neighborhood, so she headed out the door, and waited. 5 minutes later, the garbage truck came by, and Mom tossed our toys in the dump truck.
So much for Lego, huh?
We ended up having to stay in our rooms. But we certainly learned one thing: NEVER make waffles for breakfast!
from the same site
Part I: "The Punishment"
"Everybody wake up!!!!" Lois yelled. So everyone had to wake up. No doubt about it.
Today was the big day: my first day of high school. Can't screw this up. Maybe I'll be so lucky that I'll meet some cute girls.
We sat at the breakfast table as usual. We ate, and then we were off to school.
10 minutes later...
Ah, my first day of high school. Reese is supposed to be 2 grades higher than I am, but because of his "idiotness", he's still in the same grade (3 times in a row). Can you believe that? I guess that's a rhetorical question.
So I stepped in my classroom, and there were way more students than last year. Course, that's what it's always like. I'm going to have to get used to it.
So here I am (didn't I just say that)? Well, I'm nervous, so there. I mean, you would be too if you had 35 pairs of eyes staring back at you.
I hurried to my seat, so I can calm down. But all of a sudden I heard a loud CRACK!!! Broken glass on the floor, right by my feet.
"Who did that?" my teacher yelled.
"He did!" the students all pointed at me, and put me in the spotlight.
"Well, what's your name, son?"
"M..M..M..alcolm." I stuttered.
"Well , you're in big trouble mister. You're gonna help the school janitor at night, cleaning up all the classrooms, scrubbing toilet bowls, and dusting the ENTIRE school. Now I don't wanna hear another word out of you. Got it?"
"Yes." I said.
"That sounds like another word to me! Now get outside my classroom. I don't want any troublemakers around my environment!"
So I headed straight out the classroom. Man, my luck sure did change: from bad to worse.
I was supposed to be making new friends, some very cute girls. But the first day isn't even over yet, and yet I'm in trouble. I got in trouble for something that I didn't do. You know what? I'm so MAD, that I'm not going to tell you the rest of my story.
Part II: Ewww!
I said I don't wanna tell you my story. Please go away. I'm busy right now!!!
Part III: Can't people aim for the toilet?
So here I am, scrubbing and scrubbing away in the washrooms. There was liquid ALL over the floor. I mean, is it that difficult for people to aim into the toilet bowl?
I seriously hate this job. You know what? I'm going to take a stand. I did NOT deserve this, and I know it. People sure like picking on the new kid.
Part IV: Taking a stand
I got home at around midnight.
"Malcolm, where have you been. Your father and I have been worried sick about you." Mom asked.
"I got blamed for something I didn't do."
"So you had a 9 hour detention???"
"No. I had to take over the janitor's job. Mom, Dad, I seriously didn't break the beaker. Those people were like bullies, and they wanted to see me get in trouble."
"Is that so? Well, I'm going to teach your teacher a lesson. Hand me the phone, will you Malcolm?"
"Sure. But it's past midnight. He probably won't even be awake."
"Here's his number. I got it from the janitor. 555-0169."
Mom dialed the phone. Here goes.
Part V: The Threat
So Mom dialed the number. As expected, no one picked up. But the answering machine was on.
"Hi. You've reached the Herkabes. Please leave your message after the beep." BEEP!
"MR. HERKABE. HOW COULD YOU? BLAMING MY SON FOR SOMETHING HE DIDN'T DO. WELL, THAT'S IT. WE'RE MOVING!!!! WE'RE MOVING SOMEWHERE WHERE MY SON GETS TREATED WITH RESPECT!!" Ok, so I wasn't expecting that we're moving. But I guess we have to.
Part VI: We're moving??
So I don't know if moving sounds good. I mean, that was just the first day. Things could turn out to be OK.
We didn't have that much stuff to move, so we went right on it.
5 weeks later...
We bought a new house. It certainly looked a lot better than our old one.
To be continued... Please check back in a few days (which could turn into a few months)!
http://www.fanfiction.net/tv/Malcolm_in_the_Middle/ has 87 fanfics
EDIT: a few MITMVC members have posted fanfics there too
Last edited by Amigo22; Sep 16, 2007 at 02:30 AM.
It's okay, but it's kinda raw and cliche. Too many untasteful references to past episodes and unnessecary actions...
EDIT: There's some pretty weird/gross fanfiction on fanfiction.net. D:
Last edited by Lucky Maroon; Dec 29, 2007 at 09:21 PM.
you wanna follow the laws of man?
bloody apron, leg of lamb.
it's so hard to win...
when there's so much to lose.
Yeah, I agree - would be better if they'd used new and original ideas instead of basing them on existing episodes.
Is lois a man weirder than malcolm as a girl tho?
Need help? Email Me Here
I expected my fanfics to be counted amongst the unusual. I am hurt.