----------------------- Page 1----------------------- Transcript by Amigo22 417 CLIP SHOW #2 TRANSCRIPT Hal is whining about a cut on his hand, and Reese is playing with an action figure, which he thinks can make sounds when he pokes it, but the sounds are Hal shrieking in pain over his cut. REESE: Finally…… oh my….stupid, useless old man! There’s going to be some big changes around here! Lois and Hal are lying in bed. It is the middle of the night. LOIS: Hal, wake up. It’s time. HAL: Already! The baby’s not due for a month! I told you it wasn’t conceived in the elevator! It was Dewey’s parent/teacher conference! I’ll say ok to this one, let’s go! LOIS: No, Hal, I’m not having the baby. We said we’d finish making out our will tonight. HAL: Tonight? I didn’t agree to that! Besides, how do you know you’re not having the baby, you’re not abductor! Come on, I’ll meet you there. LOIS: Hal. I have both sets of car keys. And I took the seat off your bike. HAL: Why do we have to do this in the middle of the night, anyway? LOIS: I will not have the boys see us writing a will! If they start thinking about a future without us, we’ll totally lose control. HAL: I’m telling you Lois, we are not equipped to deal with these issues! We get into a giant, stupid fight every time we work on the will. LOIS: Hal, the last time we tried this was ten years ago! HAL: And it led to a fight! You called me thin-skinned and overly sensitive. LOIS: Hal, you can stall all night, but we are going to do this. HAL: Fine. I’ll get a pencil. (gets pencil and deliberately puts it in the sharpener for a long time while Lois waits) This pencil’s too short. LOIS: Hal! HAL: Oh, all right! LOIS: Just remember, we’re not doing this for ourselves; we’re doing this for the children. What if there was a terrible accident, and we had no plan? Our poor boys would be alone and defenceless! OFFICER CARL: And I guess you kids didn’t do any major harm, so I’ve decided to let you off – Ow! (Reese punches him in his privates) (Stock Car Races) Malcolm punches Kevin after he takes the last slice of pizza. (Shame) Dewey fights back at the kids who hassled him about taking a purse to school by hitting them with the purse, which contains a brick. ----------------------- Page 2----------------------- Transcript by Amigo22 HAL: Contangeable assets. How do we expect to find anything, we just shove stuff in boxes. Look, there’s a fortune cookie in here. LOIS: Wait, here’s something we already did, this will save time. We already decided that Malcolm gets the coin collection. HAL: What coin collection? LOIS: You remember that proof set we had in the closet? But then Dewey found it and swallowed- HAL: That was five hundred bucks down the drain! And not one dime in the strainer! LOIS: What about our silver tea set? HAL: The boys pounded it into a suit of armour. LOIS: Wedding china. Antique stemware. Hand-blown crystal butterflies, why did we even buy those? Hal, we have fewer assets today than we did ten years ago. We can’t be this broke, we just can’t be! Where are the bank statements? HAL: Right here. Cheques and everything, but you are not going to find anything helpful. By the way, I tried to avoid this whole evening, because I knew this would happen. Maybe in the future, you’ll trust my judgement. LOIS: (Looks at a bank statement) You spent three hundred dollars on sequins? Hal’s disco skating scene from Rollerskates. HAL: That was for the car. And what about this? Five hundred and twenty dollars to the hospital for toy extraction? DEWEY: (Playing with army men) Live, live, die. Live, live, live, live, die. HAL: You know son, maybe you’ve been spending too much time- DEWEY: Silence! Seize him! HAL: All right, son. I think it’s time you goosed up off to bed. DEWEY: Dad, you’re embarrassing me in front of my men! LOIS: (Comes home) Hal! Why is this still here (trips over and knocks down the Lego city while Hal and Dewey watch in horror) LOIS: Ow! HAL: Oh my god, do you realise how much money we spent sending Francis to Military School? LOIS: That one we couldn’t afford, he needed the discipline! SPANGLER: No, no, no! Now we are going to do this until you get it right! All right. Once more. With feeling. And. Cadets sing “Candy Man” ----------------------- Page 3----------------------- Transcript by Amigo22 LOIS: Why can’t the authorities help us to clean this mess up? There are cheques out of sequins - look, a cheque for next year. And this is two cheques taped together. HAL: What difference does it make, Lois? You know better than anybody, we are in the crapper! LOIS: You sound like you’re blaming me! HAL: Oh, you’re blaming me? HAL AND LOIS:We both agreed that you would be in charge of the finances! HAL: This may be part of the problem. LOIS: Ok. Let’s forget about finances. Property transfer to the surviving spouse. We can do this. I think whoever goes first, the other one is going to want to stay in the house, with the kids until – what? HAL: Nothing. LOIS: Why are you looking at me like that? HAL: I’ve always known that you’ll die first. LOIS: What? HAL: And then I’ll commit suicide a few days later, I don’t want to live without you, Lois. LOIS: What? HAL: Oh, don’t act so surprised, We both know what I’m talking about. LOIS: No – you’re wishing me dead? Why would you say such a thing? HAL: Oh, and there is no reaction at all to my suicide! Oh, that’s a real eye opener! LOIS: What makes you think that I am going to die first! HAL: Honey, you just have that kind of personality! You operate at a very high level of stress. LOIS: ARE YOU ABORIGINES? (Water Park) I HAVE HAD IT! (Christmas) FIRE? FIREEE? (Red Dress) WHO’S DAMN DOG IS THIS? I SAID WHO’S DAMN DOG IS THIS? (Traffic Jam) THIS IS THE PROPERTY LINE! THE PROPERTY LINE, THE PROPERTY LINE! YOU CAN’T CRO THE PROPERTY LINE! COME OUT AND APOLOGISE TO ME LIKE AN ADULT! (Garden sprinklers come on) OH. THAT’S REAL MATURE! (New Neighbours) ----------------------- Page 4----------------------- Transcript by Amigo22 LOIS: I can’t believe that you are wishing me dead and insulting my personality! HAL: Calm down, Lois! I am just pointing out that I am the far more relaxed person. Hal furiously chases Francis down the road (Emancipation)’ Hal throws a fit in the car (Halloween Approximately) Hal is tormented by hundreds of “miniature Hals” giving him advice (Book Club) HAL: (Runs into lounge where boys are watching TV) SHUUUUT UUUUUUP! HAL: I just don’t let the stress get to me. I haven’t had any special training, it’s just my way. LOIS: You are going to pay for this. HAL: Oh, see, that kind of comment doesn’t help anyone. LOIS: I’m sorry. I have just learned that I’m a human time bomb! HAL: And you are not the least bit curious about how I’m going to do it! LOIS: Oh, you’re not going to kill yourself! You can’t even rip off your own bandaids! HAL: I happen to be very hairy, but this is different. I have thought this through. It is going to be beautiful, and it’s going to make everyone forget about your stupid funeral! LOIS: Ssshhhh! The boys! Lois pulls Hal’s hair. HAL: Ow! LOIS: Sssshhhh! If you can’t handle that, how are you going to kill yourself? HAL: Lois pulls Hal’s hair again. HAL: Ow! Stop it! (Pinches Lois) LOIS: Ow! They spend a few minutes fighting, Lois pulling Hal’s hair and Hal pinching Lois. LOIS: Ok. We both have a lot to apologise for. I am sorry for pulling your hair. HAL: I’m not proud of the Dutch robe. Or the ear twisting. LOIS: See? We’re back on the path to adulthood. Let’s get to work. HAL: Agreed. Let’s stop and go to bed. LOIS: Hal, sit down. We’re past the worst of it. Ok. In the event of death of both parents. Who do we want to appoint as a guardian? ----------------------- Page 5----------------------- Transcript by Amigo22 HAL: My family’s out. LOIS: Well, they’re not going to my family. Hal arrives home to find Grandma Ida and Grandpa Victor running outside with the kids, followed by an explosion inside the house (The Grandparents) Grandma Ida hits Malcolm in the face. (The Grandparents) Grandma Ida sticks her knitting needle into Francis’s leg (Christmas) Grandma Ida and Malcolm are walking down the road when Grandma Ida throws something at a group of kids, it hits a boy in the head and he goes to accuse Malcolm, assuming it was him who did it. (The Grandparents) MALCOLM: Grandma ….. oh, jeez! LOIS: Shouldn’t we have more choices? If we die, shouldn’t there be more people willing to give our kids a home? Lois is standing over one of the boys’ cots with another lady, whose outstretched arm gets bitten. MALCOLM: You want to see a strike? (Starts walking down bowling lane) Look at me! I’m the world’s greatest bowler! I care so much about bowling! Bowling is so important! LOIS: Malcolm, come back here! MALCOLM: You want to see a strike? I’ll give you a strike! Here’s your damn strike! (throws the ball and it misses, then turns to the laughing crowd) (Bowling) Reese is driving around in the driving school car, being chased by cop cars. LOIS: (Watching on TV with Hal, Malcolm, Dewey and two cops) Where is he going? MALCOLM: Wow, nice! It was. GIRL: Reese, that was amazing! (Reese gets out of the car and is pulled away by a long line of cops) DEWEY: Give them a reason! TV ANNOUNCER: The suspect appears to be resisting. Ooh, looks like they’re taking out the pepper spray. (Reese Drives) Dewey and his babysitter dance around the kitchen to “Fernando”, until the babysitter has to get taken away in the ambulance) (Traffic Jam) LOIS: Well, we finally have one great spot in this, we finally agree on something. There’s no-one to take care of our kids. HAL: You’re not even going to mention Francis? LOIS: Let’s go to bed. HAL: No. No, no, no, no, no, no. Why won’t you even consider it? ----------------------- Page 6----------------------- Transcript by Amigo22 LOIS: Hal, this is hard enough without you getting us sidetracked! This isn’t about Francis, this is about our children! You know what I mean. HAL: Why is Francis such a bad idea? He’s working, he’s married, he’s showing responsibility. Look, I will be the first to admit that Francis was not the easiest kid for you to deal with, but he has changed! LOIS: Oh yeah, big change! He quit school and moved 3000 miles away, and married someone he knew for exactly twenty minutes! You can’t make life decisions on a whim and be a good parent! A good parent understands that actions have consequences! HAL: Lois, we are parents precisely because we can’t remember that! You have never been able to give him credit for anything good he does! LOIS: Good he does? Like what? HAL: Like….look, I am not a performing seal Lois, I can’t just bark out a list of good deeds while you take a bow and throw me a macro under your fanny pack! LOIS: I cannot talk to you when you’re hysteric. HAL: You can’t get out of this by playing the My Husband is Crazy card! It didn’t work with the airport security screener and it is not going to work now! LOIS: I am stunned! That you are thinking about having him take care of the boys. He is the worst behaved of all of them. Francis fires a home-made slingshot he and his brothers rigged up for Halloween. REESE: I love you so much! HAL: Why don’t you just admit it, Lois? You’ve never liked Francis. Is it any surprise why he has been such a mess growing up? LOIS: You can’t blame the way Francis is on me! HAL: You honestly don’t see your part in all of this! Parents’ weekend at the Military School, you two got into a sword fight! You dragged him off the field in the middle of a Tee-Ball game because you thought he gave you a look! His first words were “you shut up!” Lois, you two have been at each other’s throats since the day he was born! LOIS: He started it! HAL: What? LOIS: Nothing. HAL: No, you said he started it. What does that mean? LOIS: Just leave me alone. HAL: How the hell can a baby start anything? LOIS: I don’t know, Hal. Everything started so badly right after he was born. ----------------------- Page 7----------------------- Transcript by Amigo22 HAL: What, the staph infection? What does that have to do with anything? LOIS: I was stuck in the hospital. Without my baby. Completely isolated. For six weeks. All I could do was lie there, and worry about him, and think about how much he needed me, to nurse him, and to hold him. And when they finally let me out, I run home as fast as I can to take care of poor little Francis, and when I get there, I discover he’s happy! He couldn’t care less I was gone all that time. You were taking care of him, and he was happy as a clown! I was just an intrusion. HAL: Honey, I had no idea! LOIS: I know, it’s wrong. And I know it’s creepy! And I can’t help it! I’m the worst mother of all time! HAL: It’s just as much my fault. We’ve never gotten this right! We are utter failures as parents! I mean, look at this pigsty! Look at how we live! LOIS: Why do we even bother making a will, all we’ll leave our children is misery! HAL: This family is an unmitigated disaster! Clips of explosions, some of which caused by the boys and the boys beating themselves and others up, and being beaten up themselves. While Hal and Lois are hugging and crying, there is a loud bump in the boys’ bedroom, and Dewey runs out in his pyjamas. DEWEY: Ow! I hit my head! LOIS: Honey, honey, calm down. Let me have a look. DEWEY: It really hurts! It’s bleeding, isn’t it? I know it’s bleeding! LOIS: Dewey. What’s ninety times five? DEWEY: I don- LOIS: Ninety times five, try to figure it out. (holds ice on Dewey’s bump while Hal looks in his eyes with a torch) (to Hal) Card for St Johns. (Hal gives it to her and she phones) Ok, Dewey, everything’s gong to be fine. (Into phone) Yeah, for Doctor Flannerie? Please tell him my son Dewey got a bad bump on his head, and my husband will meet him at St Johns. They’ll be there in ten minutes. HAL: (Picking up Dewey) Ok, sport. Field trip. DEWEY: Can I have a box of Apple juice? LOIS: (looks in fridge) All we have is Apple Cherry. HAL: Of course that’s all we have. LOIS: We’re the worst parents in the world. Hal and the boys “kick clown butt” at the Batting Cages, where Lois ran away to when Hal and the boys ignored her birthday.