----------------------- Page 1----------------------- Transcript by Amigo22 410 IF BOYS WERE GIRLS TRANSCRIPT The family are eating pizza for dinner while Lois goes into too much detail about child birth. Lois: So apparently, there’s a risk of extra blood loss with a caesarean section. But Doctor Howard is pretty sure I can deliver vaginally. He says I have nice, thick placenta. Dewey: What’s a placenta? Malcolm: Don’t tell him. God! Lois: Why are you boys being so squeamish? Reese: Come on, Mom! It’s gross! Lois: What are you talking about, you should be grateful. When you were in my womb, you were feeding off my placenta for nine months. Malcolm: Ok, that’s it. (the boys all leave the room) Lois: I told you we only needed a medium. Hal: Lois, you’re not being fair. Every year you tell me what you want for Valentines Day. Every year. Now this year, you want me to buy you a present without so much as a clue? Lois: (leaning over the toilet) Can we discuss this later? Hal: When? After I’ve brought home a gift you hate, and it makes me look like a jackass, and you never forgive me? (hands her a drink) Here, a ?? Original. Lois: I don’t remember the morning sickness lasting this long. Hal: Well, you are a lot older. (Lois gives him a look) You know, like, we all are. And that’s what happens, everyone gets older, until they die, and – can we get back to your gift? Lois: Hal, you’re going to have at least four hours at the mall while I’m shopping with the boys. You’ll find something. Hal: This isn’t fair. Lois: You want to trade? You want to take three teenage boys to the Basement sale at Hannings, and force them to try on a year’s worth of school clothes? Hal: No, I’m good. Lois: Oh, God. My feet are so swollen; I’m going to need clown shoes. I can’t believe I’m going through this again. Hal: So, boy or girl. Lois: What? ----------------------- Page 2----------------------- Transcript by Amigo22 Hal: Oh, come on. Just between us. Would you rather have a boy, or a girl? Lois: Hal? Hal: Oh, I know, I know. As long as it’s healthy, we both know the drill. But deep down, you must want one more than the other. Lois: Well... (loud crash and yelling from the boys’ room) Reese: Wait! Stupid toy! Lois goes into the boys’ bedroom, where Malcolm and Reese are fighting, and Dewey is upset about them breaking his toy. Malcolm: Give it to me! Give it to me! Dewey: You broke my space fighter! Malcolm: Give it! Reese: You give it! Lois: What is going on here?! Malcolm: He stole my pen! My favourite pen. Look at him holding it! Reese: Why do you always get the pen? I never get the pen! All I want is the pen! Lois: What is wrong with you boys?! You have a whole drawer full of pens right here! Malcolm: Why does he have to have everything I want?! I never have what I need! I don’t even have my own bed! Why does everything in my life suck?! Dewey: You owe me a new space fighter! Reese: Shut up and get your own pen! The three boys start wrestling each other on the bed. Malcolm: Give it to me! Give it! The boys suddenly transform into girls: Malcolm becomes Mallory, Reese becomes Renee and Dewey becomes Daisy. Mallory: Renee, please don’t touch it. Renee: Mal, you’re being silly. It’s just a pen, I was going to do homework with it. Unless there’s a reason this pen’s important to you. Mallory: It’s stupid. Daisy: No it isn’t, Mallory. You can tell her. ----------------------- Page 3----------------------- Transcript by Amigo22 Renee: Daisy’s right, you can tell me. How come you never say what’s on your mind? Daisy: Yeah, you’re always so quiet. Mallory: Well, this boy dropped it in Biology class. He chewed on it a little. Renee: Oh, I am so sorry. I should have known that. I hate being dumb. If I didn’t grow such great hair, my head would be useless. Mallory: You don’t have to be a genius. You’re sweet and thoughtful. And that’s what counts. Renee: Awww. (she and Mallory hug) Daisy: Wow. That was the worst fight we’ve had in months. All 3 girls: Awwww. (they all hug each other) Suddenly the girls transform back into the boys, who are still fighting. Reese: Why don’t you just die?! Malcolm: Give me my pen. I’m warning you! Reese: Ooh, I’m scared. What are you going to do? (in baby voice) What’s the baby going to do? (Malcolm punches him and he falls to the floor) Lois: Malcolm! Hal: (the rest of the family gathers around Reese) Malcolm? You can take Reese?! Lois: No-one’s taking anybody. I can’t believe you boys! (helps Reese to his feet, and Reese moans) Oh, my God! Look at you! (to Malcolm) He better not need stitches! (Reese groans again) Oh, like you weren’t begging for it. Cut to the kitchen, where Lois is ready to go. Lois: Come on, we’ve got a lot of shopping to do. (goes to answer phone) Hello? Francis: Mom, great. Listen, I need a favour. I need you to go in the garage, under the paint tarps, next to the rat poison is my old box of Mad magazines, and the one I need you to find is in the middle stack. Lois: Francis, what are you talking about? Francis: I’ve got a $20 bet on whether the cover is Stagnum P.I or Magnum P.U. Lois: Francis, I don’t have time for this. Francis: Oh, of course you don’t. (raises voice) Because every time something important to me comes – (Lois hangs up) ----------------------- Page 4----------------------- Transcript by Amigo22 Cut to the van, where Lois and Reese are waiting. Lois: Will you hurry up? We’re going to have to park like, a mile away. Malcolm: (getting into the van) Why do we have to go shopping anyway? Lois: Because you ruin everything you own. New clothes don’t just magically appear in your drawers. Dewey: Mine do. Lois: (honking horn) Hal! Hurry up! Reese: Why can’t you go shopping without us? I’m a medium, I like blue. Go crazy. Malcolm: Seriously, Mom. Think about it. You’re dragging us to a place we don’t like, to buy clothes we don’t care about, for money you don’t want to spend, to look nice for people who hate our guts. The boys transform back into girls, who are excited about the shopping trip. Mallory: And if we go to the shoe store before we look for jeans, we can get yoghurt in between. Renee: Mom, will you help me pick out earrings? Daisy: No, she’s going to help me pick out tops. Mallory: You know what we should do? You two take the first floor, and we’ll take the second floor. And we’ll meet every 45 minutes at the pretzel place and see what else we need to get. And then – Lois: Girls, girls, calm down. We do this like five times a week; you’d think you’d be bored by now. Daisy: I know why Mallory wants to meet at the pretzel place. That’s where Jason McNeal works. Mallory: Daisy! Renee: That’s who you have a crush on?! Jason?! Mallory: Maybe. Renee: Mallory, he has a moustache. You don’t want anything to do with a boy like that. Mallory: You’re always so protective of me. Daisy: Come on, Daddy, hurry! (all the girls start calling out at once) The girls transform back into the complaining boys. Hal finally gets into the van. ----------------------- Page 5----------------------- Transcript by Amigo22 Hal: Damn it, that’s enough! Now we are going shopping, and that is it! Cut to the mall, where Hal is questioning Lois about what she wants for Valentines Day. Hal: Do you want big, do you want small? Do you want for you, do you want for the house? Do you want sincere – Lois: Hal, you know what I like! Hal: Yes, because you’ve always told me! For the last five Valentines Days, you’ve asked for a lawnmower, bath salts, earrings, a Hibachi, a porcelain cat, that is no pattern, Lois. This matters; I’m telling you what matters! Lois: Ok, I’m going to let you do this to yourself. My feet are killing me. We’re going to hit the food court before the sale. Hal: (yelling, as Lois walks off) Fine. Be that way! Don’t come crying to me when you end up with a pair of puppy oven mitts! Do you like puppy oven mitts? Cut to the food court, where Lois is ordering lunch for herself and the boys. Lois: One salad with light dressing, and three Grande Chilli Stampedes. One with extra onions, one with extra beans and extra onions, and one with extra beans, and extra, extra onions. Cut to the table, where the boys are having drinks, waiting for their food to arrive. Dewey is playing with two new action figures. Dewey (as red action figure): You shut down my Star Pod for the last time, Sultan. (as blue action figure) What you going to do? What’s the baby going to do, huh? (makes the action figures fight) Aaahhh! My limb! (pretends to cry) Booohooo, it hurts! Lois: (carrying the tray of food to their table, while Hal runs over and measures her head) I don’t want a hat, Hal. Hal: Damn! Lois: Ok, if one of you boys wants to get napkins, we can start – (the boys tuck into their food like a pack of pigs) Dewey: ... I’m going to rip the biggest! The boys transform into girls again. Daisy: There’s a hole in my sweater. Look at this, I think I snagged it on something. I hate when I ruin my things. Remember when I was two, and I got cake on my jumper? Mallory: Don’t worry. I snagged a blouse once. That’s when Mom taught me how to sew. ----------------------- Page 6----------------------- Transcript by Amigo22 Renee: Why isn’t Daddy back from the Pharmacy yet? Mallory: I bet he’s sneaking a cigarette. Lois: Now, you girls, just let him be. Sometimes he just needs a break. It’s not easy being the only boy in the family. (sees Hal walking along, eating a cookie) Oh, look. (calling) Hi, honey. We’re over here. Daisy: Hi, Daddy. Mallory: Hi, Daddy. Hal: Hi, girls. Sorry I took so long. No-one’s upset with me, are they? (sitting down) I brought everyone some cookies. (empties bag, which only contains crumbs) Oh, they’re gone. Mallory: Daddy, you know how you like to make me happy? Hal: Yes? Mallory: Well, there is the cutest little make-up kit at the clinic counter. Hal: Oh, honey, no! (pulls out wallet, which contains lots of money) No, absolutely not. I don’t even like you wearing make-up. And that stuff is so over-priced, why such a hurry? Lois: Hal, it’s all right. Mallory, stop manipulating your father. You know there’s no sport in it. Daisy: She wants to look pretty for Jason. Hal: Who’s Jason? Mallory: Daddy, keep your voice down! He’s right over there. (Jason looks up from the cash register) God, I can’t believe you! Renee: I don’t know what you see in that guy. Daddy, don’t you think Mallory should be with someone else? Mallory: Well, that’s easy for you to say. You have like fifty guys after you. Hal: (stuffing his face with his salad) Fifty?! (starts choking) Lois: All right girls, that’s enough. Now, Renee, I know you love your sister. But you can’t live her life for her. Mallory, I know you want to look older and more sophisticated, but trust me. That three dollar lip gloss is working just fine. Mallory: You’re right, Mom. You’re always right. The girls transform back into the boys, who are still fighting. Lois’s gets splattered with mince. ----------------------- Page 7----------------------- Transcript by Amigo22 Dewey: Hey, I was going to eat that! Reese: Tough luck! Malcolm: What is wrong with you, get your hands off my plate! Cut to Hal in a bra shop, looking at display models. Hal: No. (moves to another model) Damn. Assistant: Can I help you? (Hal looks as though he’s going to feel her) Don’t do it. Hal: Thank you. (runs out of the store) Cut to Lois, leading the boys along the corridor to the clothing store. Lois: All right, we’re going in. You see anything your size, you grab it and hold onto it, no matter what anyone tries to do to you. Protect your heads. Don’t trust anyone. Malcolm: What’s that going to do, scare us? Lois: Yes. Fear is good. It’s an 80% Off Sale. Fear will keep you alive. Dewey: (to Reese) Don’t worry. We’re with Malcolm. Cut to Hal in another store, where he sees a foot spa. He gasps excitedly and goes to the counter, where a customer is buying the foot spa. He doesn’t realise it’s the last one. Hal: Ooh, the foot spa! Those are good, right? Customer: Oh yeah, they’re amazing. I already have two. This one’s for my downstairs bathroom. Hal: Ah, well. Enjoy. (to the cashier) I would like a Deluxe Foot Spa with remote control, and I’d like it gift- wrapped, please? Cashier: I’m sorry, that was our last one. Hal: No! What about the one in the window? Cashier: It’s a display model. It’s just a shell. Hal: But... you have to... I need the... the perfect... my wife... sir! Sir! (runs off down the corridor after the guy who bought the foot spa) Excuse me, Hi. I’m Hal, remember, your friend from just down at that store? Guy: Yeah, hi. Hal: I was trying to get one of those foot spas for my wife. Guy: Oh, really? Hal: Yeah, my pregnant wife. For Valentine’s Day. And apparently, you bought the last one. So, I was wondering, ----------------------- Page 8----------------------- Transcript by Amigo22 since you already have two, if you wouldn’t mind selling me that one. Guy: No, I don’t think so. Sorry. Hal: Look, you don’t understand. I have been searching, and searching. I’ll give you double what you paid for it. No, triple. Guy: Look, I’m sorry. But no. This is mine. I bought it. I’m sure if you just keep looking around, you’ll find something else. Hal: Ok, ok. Uh, how about this? (grabs bag from the guy and runs off into a storeroom, where he opens the bag, discovers it contains a snorkel, and screams) Cut to the clothing store, which is crowded with shoppers. Dewey: I can see through that old lady’s bra. Malcolm: We’ve got to get out of here before we’re scarred for life. Come on. (they go over to Lois) Hey, Mom, we tried- Lois: You did not already try on those clothes. (to Malcolm) And you do not have a term paper to do, (to Dewey) and you are not going to suddenly develop stomach cramps. Malcolm: How did you – Lois: Please, who do you think you’re talking to? Now go, try on those clothes. (adds some more garments to Reese’s pile) Reese, take these and go with your brothers. Reese: Mom, what are you doing? Why are you giving me a pink shirt? I don’t wear pink! I’ve never worn pink! Lois: That shirt is red. Reese: If you have something to say, then just come out and say it! Lois: For the love of God. I’ll find you another one. (goes off) Lady: (to Reese) Excuse me. Wow, what happened to your face? Reese: I slept on it wrong. Lady: What do you mean? Reese: Well, I was sleeping like this, and then my knee went up into my elbow, and my elbow hit my hand, and my hand went into my mouth. And no-one hit me, ok? Lois: (returning with another garment) I don’t want to hear any more of your whining. You try this on right now. Understood?! (goes over to Malcolm and Dewey, who are waiting in a queue at the fitting rooms. Why are you standing here? You’re wasting time. ----------------------- Page 9----------------------- Transcript by Amigo22 Malcolm: I’m not changing out here in front of everybody! You know what? I don’t even need new clothes. I’ll just live off the lost property at school. It’s all better than this crap, anyway. The boys turn into girls again. Mallory: (the three girls come over with the garments they’ve chosen) Mom! There you are. Look, it’s a two hundred dollar dress they marked down to thirty. Oh my god, this is like a dream. Renee: Mom, you will not believe this. I had Daisy dig through the cabinets under the Sales table, and we found all this stuff they were saving to put out for tomorrow. Daisy: Yeah. We’ve got all the clothes we need for the whole year! Lois: Good work, girls. (sees Jason) Uh-oh. Look who’s here? (Jason glances around the store, then quickly leaves) You know, I wouldn’t be insulted if you wanted to go for an ice cream with him. Mallory: Maybe later. This is our special day, Mom. Renee: Yeah, and we haven’t even got to the best part, yet. When we help find things for you. Guy: (to Security Guard) I can’t really describe him. He was just an average looking guy, but he had kinda crazy eyes. (Hal is walking over to them) Is that helpful? Hal: (faking sad apology) Sir, I – I - I’m so sorry, I – I don’t know what came over me earlier, I’m really not that kind of person. I just think it was all the pressure of Valentines Day, and I was so upset and irrational, but the bottom line is that I made a mistake and – grabbed the wrong bag! (throws away bag he was carrying and grabs another of the guy’s shopping bags, runs back to the store room and discovers it contains flippers) Cut to the clothing store, where Lois, Malcolm and Dewey are standing in the line, while Reese is sitting on the floor. Malcolm: Look at him. Dewey: Yeah. I assume you want the same deal I had with him. Malcolm: What are you talking about? Dewey: Look, Reese is as good as dead. At least on the inside. That puts you in charge. You get half my candy, full control of the remote, and since I can’t do your homework for you, how about a nice warm towel whenever you come out of the shower? Malcolm: Will you shut up? He’s going to be fine. Dewey: Whatever you say. Sir. ----------------------- Page 10----------------------- Transcript by Amigo22 Malcolm: Come on. (They head towards a fitting room which is now free, but discover an old lady is about to go in) Dewey: Hey! Old Lady: I’m sorry, I was here first. Malcolm: No, you weren’t. We’re next. Old Lady: I’ll only take a minute. I’ve only got two things to try on. Malcolm: Lady, we’ve been waiting in line for a half hour. We have to meet our Mom. I’m sorry, but we’re next. (the old lady rams Malcolm against the wall with her walking frame) Back off, brat! This may be your first sale, but it isn’t mine! Dewey: Let him go! Malcolm: It’s our turn! Old Lady: It looks like you need someone to teach you to mind your elders. (Reese comes up through a hole in the frame) Reese: You looking for a dance partner? (the old lady backs away) You think you can do whatever you want, don’t you? That people aren’t going to say or do anything because you’re “frail”. Dewey: Deal’s off. Malcolm: (TC): All right, Reese is back! Reese: You want to take your teeth out before we start this, Grandma? Malcolm: (TC): Oh no, Reese is back! Cut to Lois at the checkout, where she is approached by Karen Tracy. Karen: Hi, I’m Karen Tracy. I was speaking to one of your boys earlier. Lois: Oh my God, I’ll kill ‘em – Karen: See, these kind of outbursts are exactly the kind of thing we can help you with. I’m with the Department of Child Services. (hands Lois her card) Lois: What? What are you talking about? Karen: Look, we’re not making any judgments yet, but the Department takes the safety of children very seriously. I’d like you to come in for an evaluation. What’s the last known address of the boys’ father? Lois: (angrily) Wait a minute, this is a mistake! My boys are fine! (sees Reese being escorted over by a Security Guard, with Malcolm and Dewey) ----------------------- Page 11----------------------- Transcript by Amigo22 Reese: It wasn’t me, somebody planted those teeth on me! Guard: Are these your kids? Old Lady: I was just trying to buy slippers, and they all jumped on me like jackals! Malcolm: She’s lying, we were just trying to pull Reese off of her! Hal: (rushing over) Oh, Lois! Thank God I’ve found you. Look, we’ve got to get out of here before –(sees Security Guard and runs off screaming) Reese: (shoving the Security Guard) Run! (they all run out of the store and along the corridor) Malcolm: Mom, seriously! Cut to the clothing store, where Lois and the girls are still shopping. Lois is approached by Karen Tracy again, except this time in a positive way. Karen: You must be so happy. You wouldn’t believe some of the families I have to deal with. Lois: Oh, girls, hurry up! It’s our turn at the register. Renee: (holds up three of the same garment, in different shades) I can’t decide between the peach, melon, or the salmon. I just have to get all three. Lois: No, honey, now you’re going to have to make a choice. Renee: Gee Mom, if you’re going to force me to wear knock-offs, can I at least just get what I want?! Hal: (comes over eating a block of chocolate and carrying a bag) Here you go, sweetie. Here’s the make-up you wanted. Mallory: Oh, thank you so much, Daddy! Lois: Hal, what are you doing? You said she couldn’t have that. Hal: (crying) Well, she asked me again, and told me that you said it would be ok after all, and you know, then she started getting all teary-eyed, and, I – I just – I – Lois: Mallory! How could you do that? Mallory: Don’t worry, Mom. I won’t wear it around the house. I know how desperate you are to be the prettiest. Lois: Mallory, I think we’re all getting a little bit frazzled. Why don’t we talk about this while we’re modelling our clothes for each other at home? Renee: Yeah, that’s really good, Mom. Because by then, the buzz from her diet pills will have worn off. Lois: (looks at Mallory) Diet pills? ----------------------- Page 12----------------------- Transcript by Amigo22 Mallory: I have a slow metabolism, ok? (to Renee) And I don’t burn off calories having sex with a different boy every night down by the creek! Lois: I thought you were at Band Practice every night. Daisy: There is no band! Renee: Shut up, Fancy-Pantsy, you don’t know anything. Daisy: I know you’re pregnant. Renee: (panicking) She is lying, that is ridiculous! I’m not pregnant, because I know that sex is wrong, and immoral, and fun – no, wait – (Jason comes up to her) Jason: It’s all right, Renee. It’s good that they know. I’m ready for teenage marriage. It’ll be awesome. Mallory: He’s the father?! You only slept with him because you knew that I liked him! Renee: Maybe you should have asked to use my hairbrush first! (they start arguing) Lois: Girls, please! Can you just – girls, don’t do this! You’re supposed to be easy! Mallory: No, Mom! You’re easy. Daisy: We can’t fool you about anything. We’re girls, we know how you think! And we’re not above using it! Frances: Mom, Dad, hi! Lois: Frances, what are you doing here? You’re supposed to be away at College. Frances: I dropped out. But don’t worry, I’m working. At the new Hooters, out by the Lumbar Yard. With tips, I can still pay the rent on the trailer, and still keep my husband and beer. Husband: Oh, gotta go. Cock-Fight starts in half an hour, you’ve still got a lot of cages to... Hal: You know, you could talk to my daughter a little – Frances: Leave him alone! You’ve never liked any of my husbands! (starts crying) You’ve always tried to come between us, and that’s why I hate you! Ever since you lost all that weight, nothing is ever good enough for you! (the girls all start arguing) Lois: This isn’t right. Girls don’t do these things. Girls are nicer. Girls are better. Mallory: Oh, come off it! Who do you think made us this way? (they all start yelling at her) Cut back to Hal, Lois and the boys running through the mall. ----------------------- Page 13----------------------- Transcript by Amigo22 Hal: Honey, come on! You can do it. It’s just another three hundred yards after Senor Jellybeans. Lois: Trust me, Hal. There’s no escape! There’s no escape, no matter what! Cut to the house. Valentines Day has arrived, and Hal brings Lois his gift. Hal: Happy Valentines Day, honey. (joins Lois at the table) It finally came to me last night. The perfect gift. And I know you’ll love it, because it’s not for you. Reese: (he, Malcolm and Reese run into the room, ready to go and play Basketball) Hal: Ok, I get Malcolm. Malcolm: Wait, we almost forgot the thing. (opens drawer, pulls out almost-empty box of chocolates and takes it to Lois) Happy Valentines Day. Dewey: We saved you the coconut ones because we know they’re your favourite. Lois: Thank you boys, I love it. Hal: See you in a bit. (they all run off) Lois: (looking at her stomach) I hope you’re a girl.