----------------------- Page 1----------------------- 319 CLIP SHOW TRANSCRIPT The episode starts with Dr Kennedy working at his desk, when Hal comes in with the boys. Reese: This is stupid. Dewey: We didn't do anything. Malcolm: What are we at a psychiatrist for? Hal: I don't wanna hear it. We need professional help. Dr Kennedy: Hello. Hal: Hi. Thanks for squeezing us in. Reese: Why do we all have to be here? He's the one that's afraid of being attacked by a shark in the shower. Malcolm: At least he doesn't walk in his sleep and pee on the TV - Hal: (to Malcolm) Dat-dat-dat-dat-dat-dat-dat! (to Dr Kennedy) My wife told you about the car. Dr Kennedy: Yes, the joyriding incident. Hal: 700 dollars worth of damage! Look, we are at our wits end with these boys, I am authorizing you to do whatever it takes. Drugs, brainwashing, electro-shock- Dr Kennedy: Maybe I'll start with talking to them. Hal: You’re the expert. You do whatever the doctor says. You better be cured when I get back! Dr Kennedy: Well, looks like we have some work to do, don't we. Take a seat. So, let's go over the ground rules. This is a safe zone. And what that means, is when one of you talks, everybody listens. And listening does not include interrupting, name-calling, or passing judgment on what was just said. That way, everybody can say what they want, and feel ok about it. Dewey: Can I have a piece of candy? Dr Kennedy: No. Malcolm: This is ridiculous! We didn't take their car out. We were watching TV all night. We were being good! Well, I had some stuff scheduled for later, but- Dr Kennedy: There was a lot of damage done to that car. Malcolm: Somebody else must have driven it, because it wasn't us. Dr Kennedy: Ok, let's back up. Let's talk about the home. Reese: It's a dump. There's a leak in the roof, right over my bed. Dr Kennedy: No no, I mean, I'd like to know about your family life. ----------------------- Page 2----------------------- Malcolm: Look, don't analyze us. You can poke and prod and delve all you want, but you're not going to find any psychological issues, ok? We're normal! Cut to clip #1, from the episode. Hal is outside in the yard doing DIY. He comes inside to get a drink from the fridge, passing through the laundry where Dewey is lying on top of the washing machine, banging his head on it, singing "I hate my brothers (bang", I only like me (bang". Camera lowers to the floor, where Malcolm and Reese are rolling around fighting. Lois sprays them with water. "Stop it right now, I mean it", she says, spraying them. The boys continue fighting so she sprays them again, saying "I said stop it". Camera switches back to the yard, where Hal comes back outside to his workbench, where we see that he is only pretending to do DIY and is really doing a crossword. Cut to clip #2, from the episode Red Dress. Lois is mopping the floor in the hall, and the boys are in their bedroom. Reese is sitting on the chest of drawers reading, and Malcolm is doing his homework. Lois gets suspicious and walks through their room, opening a clothes drawer and ripping open their curtains declaring that if they'd broken another window it is going to come out of their allowance. She gives up and leaves, closing the door behind her, where Malcolm and Reese have tied Dewey up and hung him from the hook on the back of their door. Cut back to the boys in Dr Kennedy's office. Malcolm: Our only problem is, our parents think we're lying, and we're not. Hey, a breakthrough. Dr Kennedy: You're obviously a very bright young man. Would you like to spend the rest of the hour telling me how bright you are? (Malcolm sighs) Ok, let's talk about your parents. If you had to describe them in a few words, how would you do that? Reese: I don't know. Mom is, Mom. Cut to clip #3, where the boys are in bed asleep. We first see Reese, and then Malcolm. "EVERYBODY UP!" Lois shouts, ripping open the curtains. The boys all yell as she yanks the blankets off their beds, declaring she's taking breakfast off the table in five minutes. Cut back to the boys in Dr Kennedy's office. Malcolm: And Dad's, what is Dad? Cut to clip #4, where the boys are in their room and Hal comes in, closes the door behind him and leans against it, panicking. Hal: Who wants to make five bucks? Malcolm: How? Hal: I need someone to take the fall. Lois (outside): Oh my god. Malcolm: What did you do? Hal: I can't tell you. Yes or no, no questions asked. Lois (outside): OH MY GOD! ----------------------- Page 3----------------------- Malcolm: Make it ten. Hal: Done. Lois: OH MY GOD! Hal: Come here. You're a good son. (Calls) I've got him, honey! Don't worry! Cut back to the boys in Dr Kennedy's office. Dr Kennedy: And you have another brother, Francis? Reese: Yeah, did they tell you what they did to him? Malcolm: It's a classic firstborn scenario. A free, easy couple, suddenly has a kid and their whole world's turned upside down. And even after these other kids, the oldest one becomes a symbol for everything that's wrong in their lives, through no fault of his own. Cut to clip #5. where Francis, in the company of a cop, is explaining the stupidity of the car he set fire to to Hal (who is off-camera). Francis: Dad, I know what you're going to say, and believe me, I totally agree with you, there is no excuse for what I did, it was, idiotic, immature, totally reckless, and I'm really sorry. I'm just hoping against hope that you will give me another chance, which I admit I don't deserve. If you could just find it in your heart to forgive me, I know I can earn your trust back. Cut back to the boys in Dr Kennedy's office. Dewey: They had it out for him, from the start. Dr Kennedy: Why, you guys really have a lot of issues with your parents, do you ever discuss any of this with them? (The boys look at each other without saying anything) You never tell your parents your feelings? Reese: We try. Two weeks ago I put some newspapers in the blender and set it on fire. That was totally a cry for help. Dr Kennedy: I mean talk. With words, you know, talk about the subject at hand? You know, a lot of familes do that, around the dinner table. That can be a really good environment for sharing your feelings. Cut to clip #6, where the boys are eating pancakes Hal has made for breakfast, which we see that he's made while having his back shaved, because the boys are pulling hairs from their mouths and pancakes and putting them on a plate piled high with Hal's hair. GROSS! Malcolm: Great pancakes, Dad. Hal: Oh, thanks. Hey, who's ready for seconds? Dewey: (Coughing up another hair) I am. Cut to clip #7, where the family are eating chicken legs, mashed potato and peas for dinner. Malcolm: Here are the house rules. You can't reach for seconds, until you've finished what ----------------------- Page 4----------------------- you're first. But as soon as anybody's fork leaves the perimeter of their plate, all bets are off. Malcolm and Reese battle for the one remaining chicken leg, sending it flying to the floor, where they dive under the table, still wrestling each other for it. Cut to clip #8, where the family are again at the dinner table eating pork, mashed potato and peas, where Dewey tells the family babies come from bubbles, Malcolm explains that every 17.4 dinners, the family actually has a pleasant meal together and Reese pretends to flick potato at Lois, resulting in a sudden mood swing. Cut back to the boys in Dr Kennedy's office. Reese: Who cares if they don't believe me about the car. I've gotten this far in my life without anyone giving me any credit. So why should I expect anything different now? Malcolm: Yeah, the guy who leaves thumbtacks on the toilet seat is so misunderstood. Dr Kennedy: Please remember the ground rules. There's no - Reese: You're the one who taught me my name in French was "Latrine". Dr Kennedy: Don't interrupt- Malcolm: You sold my bike to Billy Watson for 3 bucks before he moved to Canada. Dr Kennedy: We don't- Reese: I'm the one who spit in Dewey's cereal this morning. (Looks at Dewey) I mean - Dewey: I drank that milk! I licked the bowl! I hate you! Reese: Oh, shut up, Pitstain. Malcolm: Leave him alone, you started it! Reese: Shut up! Malcolm: You shut up! Reese: Shut up! Malcolm: Shut up! Reese: You shut up! Dr Kennedy: STOP IT! This is NOT how therapy works. You are going to respect each other, and damn it, you are going to respect me. You're gonna behave, and we're gonna continue with this session. UNDERSTOOD? (Dewey punches Reese, then Malcolm punches Reese, and the three wrestle each other to the floor. STOP IT! This is a safe zone! (one by one grabs Reese and Dewey up) A safe zone! Dr Kennedy paces the office while the boys sit in a line on the floor, their hands behind their heads. ----------------------- Page 5----------------------- Dr Kennedy: Here is what you boys need to know. You cannot break me. I've worked in prisons. I had a 17 year old serial killer hugging my knees and crying like a little girl. Those aren't Fisher-Price diplomas on the wall, I went to Harvard! I had a starring role in "The Mikado". Dewey: My arms are tired. Malcolm: Don't give him the satisfaction, Dewey. Reese: This is nothing. Mum makes us do this out in the rain. Dr Kennedy: Ok, you can relax. (the boys return to the couch). Let's try this. If you could pick one thing about the way your parents treat you, what would you change? Malcolm: The biggest problem is that they don't trust us. Reese: They just assume that if they leave us alone for two seconds, we'll get in trouble. Cut to clip #9, where Malcolm and Reese are standing at the fridge. Reese is holding a bottle of juice. Reese: 9 days past expiration. (takes a swig and and almost vomits). Malcolm (holding a tub of yoghurt) It expired two months ago. Reese (hands him a spoon) You don't have the guts. (Malcolm eats a spoonful and almost vomits) Reese then pulls out a carton of eggnog. Malcolm: When was the last Christmas we had eggnog? Reese: I think before Dewey. (Opens the carton and it makes a strange noise) Malcolm: It's all you, man. (Reese starts sculling the eggnog) Cut to clip #10, where Malcolm and Reese are playing ball in the living room. Malcolm throws the ball to Reese, who whacks it with the bat, and the ball smashes a photo. Malcolm: Uh-oh. Reese: Oh, man. We're so dead. Malcolm: That's it. game over. Reese: Yeah. So I win. Malcolm: What? Reese: Past the lamp is a home run. Two wins scored. Malcolm: That was a foul ball! Reese: Are you crazy? It went right down the line. Dewey (lying on the floor): It was foul. Reese: Shut up. You're home plate, you don't get a vote. ----------------------- Page 6----------------------- Malcolm: Do over. Reese: Fine by me. This time, Malcolm throws a soccer ball, and when Reese hits it, it smashes a vase. Reese: Oh crap! Malcolm: Now we really have to quit. Reese: Yeah. But that was triple. Malcolm: Get back up there. Cut back to the boys in Dr Kennedy's office. Dr Kennedy: Let me ask you, how do you see yourselves? Reese, what do you think your role in the family is? Reese: I guess I'm a bad boy. The one that ruins everything, every family has that guy. The one that makes you cry, thinks you hate coming home at the end of the day just knowing I'm going to be there. It's a lot of work. But, I guess it's pretty satisfying. Cut to clip #11, where Reese and Malcolm are sitting on the couch watching TV, when Dewey comes over, and stands in front of Reese. Reese: What are you looking at, monkey boy? Dewey: (starts punching himself): Ow. Ow, ow, Reese! Reese: What are you doing? Dewey: Help, ow, help! Mum, help! Reese: Cut it out, cut it out! Dewey: Help, it hurts, ow! Reese: (grabbing Dewey) Knock it off, you little- Lois: Reese! What the heck are you doing? (Grabs Reese's arm and drags him away) Honest to god, you can't leave that kid alone for five minutes without picking on him! Reese: I didn't do anything! Lois: No! Reese: He was lying! Cut to clip #12, where Hal is reading Reese's report card. Lois: What you looking at? ----------------------- Page 7----------------------- Hal: Reese's report card, it is much better than last time. Lois: Really. Hal: Yeah. This time he used the exact same brand of pen as the teacher to change his grade. Lois: Look at that, he gave himself a C in maths, and 7 A+. Hal: Yeah, it's subtle. Nice attention to detail. He's really learning. (Looks at Lois) Two months grounded? Lois: Three months. Scrubbing toilets. Cut back to the boys in Dr Kennedy's office. Dr Kennedy: (to Dewey) and how do you see your place in this family? Dewey: Well, I'm the favorite. You know, the one everybody loves the most, the cute one. The one everybody looks out for, and gives presents to. And sometimes they even make the birds sing to me or the clouds spell out my name. Cut to clip #13, where Malcolm, Reese and Dewey are playing ball on the road. Dewey is running between Malcolm and Reese, jumping up, trying to catch the ball. Dewey: Come on! You said I could play! (the ball rolls down into a drain, and the gap is too small for anyone but Dewey to fit through). Reese: You have to go back down there again. Malcolm: Come on, you're the only one that will fit. Dewey: No, I always go get it, and you never let me play. Malcolm: We'll let you play. Reese: We promise. (Cuts to Dewey squeezing through the hole, then back to the boys continuing their game, and still not letting Dewey play. Dewey: Come on! Over here! You promised! Reese: No way! Cut to clip #14, where Hal and Lois are lying in bed. Hal is restless. Lois: Can't sleep? Hal: No, I have this terrible feeling we've forgotten something. (checks on fingers) Trash, locks, lights. Oh well. Whatever it is, I'm sure it can wait until the morning. (Cuts to the house the next morning, where Hal and Lois enter the living room in their dressing gowns, where they find Dewey asleep standing in the corner, where he'd had his time-out the previous night. Hal: Oh boy. (Goes over and wakes Dewey) All right, son. Son. I think you learned your lesson. Dewey (sleepily): Ok. Thanks Dad. ----------------------- Page 8----------------------- Hal: We've got to stop doing this. Cuts to clip #15, where Dewey is wrapped in bubble-wrap, standing on a plank, and Malcolm and Reese jump onto the other side, sending him flying into the air. Cut back to the boys in Dr Kennedy's office. Dewey: I try not to throw it in their faces, but sometimes, you know, I just can't help it. Dr Kennedy: What about you, Malcolm? What's your place in the family? Malcolm: I don't know, I'm the middle one. Dr Kennedy: Well, really think about it. How do you fit in with this family? Malcolm: Well, I - Dr Kennedy: Go ahead. Malcolm: Well I guess I, don't. I don't fit in. I mean, honestly, sometimes I feel like I've been dropped into this family from outer space. Dr Kennedy: Well, that's interesting. Now how - Reese: He's the one that fixes everything. Malcolm: What? Dewey: Yeah, he's the one that figures everything out, and solves a lot of our problems. Reese: Yeah. Kind of like that gay kid with the scarf on Scooby-Doo. Malcolm: You guys think that? Dr Kennedy: Well, sure they do. I mean, it's pretty obvious that you're the ringleader. Malcolm: What? Dr Kennedy: It happens all the time. An intelligent, senstive kid with poor impulse control, I mean, you're surrounded by people who don't challenge you, mentally. So you start to get bored, and you start looking for trouble. Malcolm: No I don't. Dr Kennedy: Isn't that what happened the other night? You were sitting on the couch with your brothers, with nothing to do but watch TV. Thinking the only way to end the crushing boredom is to stir up a little excitement. Dewey: He didn't do it! Reese: None of us did. Dr Kennedy: And there's a lot of options for a boy like you. I mean, there's placement programs, camps, special schools- ----------------------- Page 9----------------------- Malcolm: Wait, you want to send me away? Reese: You can't do that! Dewey: He's our brother! Dr Kennedy: Calm down, I'm only suggesting- Malcolm: I'm not going! Reese: You can't make him do this! Dewey: We're good kids! Cut to clip #16, where Malcolm and Reese are changing Hal's alarm clock from 7.30 to 9.30. They bolt from the room as the alarm goes off, and head to the kitchen for breakfast while Hal frantically brushes his teeth and shaves while having his shower, often getting the two mixed up and putting the razor in his mouth. After his shower he bolts to the kitchen, while making a cup of coffee he spills it all over himself, he grabs a mouthful of cereal from the packet, grabs his bag, heads for the door and runs straight into it. Cut back to the boys in Dr Kennedy's office. Malcolm: Don't do this! Dewey: You can't leave me alone with Reese! Dr Kennedy: I'm sorry, but we're out of time. (goes to open the door, where Hal is crouched down. He'd been listening at the door the whole time. Hal: What is the deal with this door? Is there some kind of baffling built into it? Dr Kennedy: You have three very special boys here. I'd like to sit down with you and your wife, so that we can - Malcolm: Dad, do you know what this idiot wants to do? Hal: Malcolm, let me talk to the doctor, hey? Dr Kennedy: Maybe we ought to speak privately. Hal: Sure. Boys, go wait in the car. (As the boys start to leave, we hear a bang outside, and everyone rushes to the window). What! That's my car! I know I set the brake! Malcolm: See? Just like the other night. We didn't take it out. It just rolled out by itself! Hal: And you boys were actually telling us the truth? (to Dr Kennedy): You're a genius! (to boys) Boys, let's go get you some ice cream, huh? Dr Kennedy: Listen, there's a lot we have to - Hal: Oh, absolutely. (Pulls out cheque book) You know, doc, I have no idea how you did it. In just an hour. And, putting in a little extra for you. Dr Kennedy: (looks at the cheque) But- Hal: Thanks. (to boys as they leave) Isn't it great to feel like a family again? ----------------------- Page 10----------------------- Cut to clip #17, where the family are at a photo studio. Malcolm: Move! Reese: Shut up! Malcolm: Stop touching me! Reese: I'm not touching you, I was clipping on my tie! Malcolm: Liar, you were touching me! Lois: Stop it! Reese: Why do we have to do this? Lois: (Combs Reese's hair) Because we don't have a single picture of us all together, that's ridiculous. We're family, we should have a family portrait. (CombsMalcolm's hair) Where's Dewey? (Camera switches to another family getting their photo taken, with Dewey sitting in it) Dewey, get out of there, that's not your family. Hal: Are you sure you want autumn leaves as a backdrop? Lois: Yes. Hal: You didn't even look at happy windmills. It's more colourful. (flips page over) Space shuttle. Photographer: Next. Lois: I have a coupon here for 1 8 x 10 and 2 wallet size for $9.99, and that's what I want. I don't want the Golden Moments collection, I don't want the Family and Friends collection. I don't want the lifetime of love, I want 1 8 x 10 and 2 wallet size for $9.99 (hands coupon to the photographer) Photographer: Fine. We have an installment plan, if that would help. Malcolm: I bought a picture of Francis. He's going to be in the portrait. Reese: Cool. I'll hold it. Malcolm: No, I'm going to hold it. Reese: Let go. Malcolm: Come on! Lois: Dewey! Pants on, Mister. Photographer: I'm sorry, but this coupon has expired. Lois: What? Photographer: It's expired. What you want will be $39.50. ----------------------- Page 11----------------------- Hal: Ooh, lonely beach. We're kind of a lonely beach family, right? Lois: Hal. Photographer: But for another five dollars, you could have the instant memory set. That comes with double exposure silhouettes for the grandparents. Lois: No. Could you please just do what I'm asking you to - (sees Malcolm and Reese fighting) THAT IS IT! GET UP! GET BACK! COME HERE. GO THERE. We are going to take this picture, and it is going to be good. And that means, no faces, no tongues, no cross-eyes, no bunny ears. We are going to smile. We are going to look good. (Turns to photographer) It is going to cost us $9.99, and all of this is going to happen by the time I count to three. One, two (everyone poses and smiles) three. Reese and Malcolm continue fighting as the credits fade in.