----------------------- Page 1----------------------- NEW NEIGHBOURS TRANSCRIPT Hal and Lois are in the kitchen. Hal is reading Reese’s report card. Lois: What are you looking at? Hal: Reese’s report card, it is much better than last time. Lois: Really? Hal: Yeah, this time he used the exact same brand of pen as the teacher to change his grade. Lois: Look at that. He gave himself a C in Maths! Seven A +. Hal: Yeah, that’s subtle. Nice attention to detail. He’s really learning. (turns to Lois) Two months grounded? Lois: Three months. Scrubbing toilets. The boys are in the lounge watching TV. Lois is vacuuming. Lois: Feet! All 3 boys: Ow! (Lois runs vacuum cleaner over their feet) Hal (comes in from outside) Moving van! There’s a moving van next door! (everyone runs to the window) Ooh, a Special Maker. Their couch, I’m thinking, upscale professional Lois: Well, by the look of ‘em here, they haven’t managed their money very well. Malcolm: (TC): Families keep moving in and out of that house, I wonder why? Cut to clips: Reese and Malcolm are standing behind the wall of the neighbour’s house, waiting for someone to come out and see the shoe they set on fire in the porch. The man comes out and sees the fire, stomps on the shoe, trying to put it out, and his clothes catch fire. Reese hits a ball, which knocks out the neighbour guy who has been watering his lawn. As Hal backs out of the driveway, he sees the neighbour lady on the kerb waiting for him. Cut back to the family at the window. Malcolm: Maybe that house is haunted. Hal: Oh! Cable saw! Lois: No, Hal, no borrowing! We have a clean slate with these people, we’re gonna behave. I want to have one person on this earth who can pick up the mail. Hal: Your mother’s right. Doesn’t hurt to have allies on the block. Especially allies with a pool! We’ll just have to make sure we get to them before the Reids can poison them against us. Or the McHardys. Or the Whitfords. We definitely need to get to them before the Whitfords! Reese: I see Mrs Schneider circling! Hal: Go, go-go-go-go-go-go-go! (all go away from the window) Cut to Marlin Academy, where some cadets, including Francis, are cleaning the floor in the corridor, while the others are in the common room. Spangler enters. Cadet #1: And hut! Spangler: And when you men are done here, I expect to see each and every one of you on the parade ground practising your Close Order drill. Francis: But sir, we just did Close Order drill. Spangler: Is that what that was? It looked like Physical Therapy at a Head Trouble Ward! ----------------------- Page 2----------------------- Francis: Sir, we’ve been cleaning and drilling for thirty-six hours. I think by law we’re supposed to be allowed to sleep? Why are we doing this? Spangler: Well, this was supposed to be a surprise, but I can no longer contain my excitement. Marlin Academy is about to be visited by one of the last living heroes. Gentlemen, Lieutenant Colonel Oliver North, United States Marine Co retired, is coming here, to give you a motivational speech. Joe: Sir, isn’t he a convicted fallace? Spangler: That conviction was overturned. Eric: So was mine, but I’m still stuck here. Spangler (turns to Eric) Well, if you had a Bronze Star, a Silver Star, two Purple Hearts and a nationally syndicated radio calling show, then maybe you could have had a deal! But since you DON’T, YOU CAN SHUT YOUR PIE HOLE! Cut to the new neighbours’ house, where the Wilkersons are visiting. Reese is in the pool with the younger girl, Malcolm and Dewey are at the poolside with the boy, Hal is barbecuing meat with the Dad and Lois is sitting chatting to the Mom. Lois This is nice, Tina, you didn’t have to barbecue. Tina: Well, you are the first neighbours to come by and say hello. Hal Well, that’s not surprising. You know, I don’t want to speak ill of anybody, and I won’t say who, but some of our neighbours are prone to paranoid fantasies. Oh yeah, don’t get me started on the stories. Lois: Hal- Hal: Yeah. Josh: So, what’s there to do around here? Malcolm: Well, there’s a pothole we can jump over with planks. Dewey: They filled it. Malcolm: There’s a dead squirrel I like to poke at, that should be good for a few more days, and there’s always the dried up creek, and the park. (TC) boy, if it wasn’t for that squirrel, my life would be really pathetic. Cut to Hal and the Mike at the BBQ. Hal: You only flipped them once. Mike: I feel every patty has a moment. Hal: See, I always rush ‘em. Mike: Factor of bad content, Hal. Tina: Do you have a good doctor? Lois: Why, is something wrong? Tina: Well, neck pain, or back pain, or whatever will get ‘em to write the prescription. Lois: No, I’m sorry, my doctor’s honest. Tina: Too bad. I’ll let you know if I find one. Cut to Dewey, who is walking around the yard, where he sees several garden gnomes. Josh: I wouldn’t stare at ‘em like that. He’ll get angry! Dewey: No he won’t, he’s friendly. Josh: Tell that to the kid he ate! Dewey: (looks scared) what kid? Josh: That’s why we had to move, didn’t you read about it in the newspaper? Dewey: No. Josh: Just as well. (walks away) The picture was really gruesome. Cut to Hal, Malcolm and the Mike at the BBQ. Hal is cooking beefers. Hal: (flips beefer) Ha! I did it! I did it! ----------------------- Page 3----------------------- Mike: Yeah, I told you, you could! (they bang their utensils together) Josh: (comes over with plate) Dad, can I have another burger? Malcolm spit on mine. Malcolm: What? Hal: Malcolm, why would you do such a thing? Malcolm: But, I didn’t – Hal: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Beat it. Cut to Reese and , sitting by the pool eating their burgers. Emily is staring at Reese. Reese: Why are you staring at me? What? Do you want a chip? (o ers her one and she grabs his arm and bites it) Ow, what are you doing? Stop it! Let go! Ow! Cut to Hal and the Mike in the garage. Mike: I think there are some brick hats in one of these boxes. (Switches on light) Hal: (looks around) Oh! Oh! Oh! This – is this heaven? Wow, look at this collection! (starts browsing through record collection) Oh, Dooby Brothers! Kim Crimson! CheapTrick. Hello! Mike: Oh yeah! Check this out! (goes and takes cover o stylish record player) Hal: Is that a Chandora Twelve-Eighty turntable? Mike: Twelve-Ninety. Cut to Malcolm and Josh outside. Malcolm: Why did you say I spit on your burger? Josh: Don’t worry about it. Wanna see something funny? (they pass the mothers) Hey, quit staring at my Mom’s chest! (mothers look up, horrified) Malcolm: What! I’m not! Lois: Malcolm, knock it o ! Malcolm: But, I- (Reese yelps in background) Cut to Reese trying to fight o Emily, who is still biting him. Reese: Ow, get away from me! Lois: Your daughter is biting my son! Tina: Oh look, they’re just playing. Reese: Ow, it hurts! It hurts! Mommy Lois: (Goes over, kneels down and holds Emily’s nose) Now, honey, if you want to breathe, you’re gonna have to open your mouth and let go of my son. (Emily stops biting) Tina: What are you doing? Lois: It’s just a little trick I picked up. Tina: How dare you touch my daughter! Lois: She was gnawing on my son, if you’re not going to control her – Tina: Are you questioning my parenting? Lois: I dunno, I haven’t seen it yet. Tina: How nice, this from a mother raising a pervert! Lois: Where is he supposed to look, you’ve got ‘em laid out like a couple of eggs on a plate! Tina: Emily, Josh, I don’t want you playing with these awful children any more! Lois: Hey! Well, they may be awful, but they’re a hell of a lot better than your two brats! The Wilkersons and the neighbours stare at each other, until they are interrupted by the noise of Hal and Mike singing “Cherokee People” in the garage ----------------------- Page 4----------------------- Cut to the Wilkersons’ yard the next day, where the Mike is helping Hal fix his lawnmower. Hal: A little help? (Mike hands him a beer and he sits up) Ahhh. This is nice. Mike: Yeah. Hal: You know, you may not believe this, but you are the first neighbour friend I’ve ever had. Mike: No way! Hal: Yeah. In fact, you’re the first guy who’s ever been back here, and didn’t work for the power company. Mike: Actually, I’ve a confession to make, I’ve had many male friends myself. Hal: To friendship. Mike: To friendship. (they toast) I’m straight. Hal: Me too. Cut to the street, where Malcolm is walking to school, and Josh runs up next to him. Josh: Malcolm! What’s going on? Malcolm: Get away, I’m not talking to you! Josh: Why, what’d I do? Malcolm: You keep telling lies about me! Josh: Come on, man, it’s just a joke! I didn’t know you were so sensitive. (sees a girl walk by) Excuse me, my friend here thinks you’re really pretty. Malcolm: No I don’t, I mean – why – Josh: Come on, Malcolm, just tell her ok – maybe then you’ll stop following her around everywhere. I am telling you, it is not healthy. (Walks o ) Cut to the neighbours’ front yard, where their gardener is walking along pushing a gnome in the wheelbarrow. Reese comes running down the driveway with Emily chasing him. Reese: Aaarrrrgghhh! Get away from us, just get away from us! Aaarrrrgghhh! (Lois walks to the end of the Wilkersons’ driveway) Tina: Damn it! Damn it, Hector, not over there! Are you deaf, or stupid or both? Could you please try to be a little less useless? Where is the sun, do you see the sun? I told you to dig the holes over there! God, you people drive me nuts with your laziness! Lois: What is the matter with you? Tina: Excuse me? Lois: You can’t talk to him like that! He’s a human being, you talk to him like he’s some kind of animal! Tina: I will deal with the help the way I want to! Lois: He is not The Help! He’s not a servant or a slave, he’s a professional! (we see the gardener blowing a can across the yard with a leaf blower) He’s a person with a skill, a skill you do not have, which is why you hired him! (looks at gardener) Oh, for god’s sake, just pick it up1 Cut to Dewey, who throws something at one of the garden gnomes, and it bounces back and whacks him in the face. He screams and runs away. Cut to kitchen, where the family are eating dinner. Lois: Who does that woman think she is? Something fake who has fifty-dollar highlights while they treat other people like dirt? I’ll tell you Hal, o icially the worst neighbours we’ve ever had! Hal: Worst neighbours? Honey, that’s not really fair to Mike! Remember the seven year old swingers? Reese: Dad, they’re horrible! Look at what that little brat did to me! (arm is bruised) Every ----------------------- Page 5----------------------- time I go outside, Emily’s there! Lying in wait! Malcolm: Yeah, and that kid Josh keeps making up all these weird lies about me! He told the whole school that I was born with both sex organs and raised as a girl until I was five. Dewey: The gnome wants to eat me! It’s evil! Lois: They’re all evil, sweetie. Reese: I think the word everyone is tip-toeing around, is feud. Hal: That’s a bit drastic Reese. Reese: No, Dad, a feud is just what this family needs. Having a common enemy will hold our skills and unite us in our own brotherhood o blood! Hal: Look, all I’m saying is that before we judge them, maybe we should take a long, hard look at ourselves. (Camera switches to the boys then Lois) Oh, never mind. Cut to the boys’ bedroom late that night, where Emily’s laughter can be heard. Reese picks up the baseball bat he has kept next to his bed. He holds it up, moves his head and whacks himself in the face. Reese: OW! Cut to Marlin Academy, where Spangler is yelling at the cadets. Spangler: No, no, no! Do you think Colonel North is going to be impressed by such a sloppy group of cadets? Now we are going to do this, and keep doing it until you get it right! All right, now once more. With feeling. And – (cadets sing Candy Man) Cut back to the Wilkersons’ house, where Reese is standing at the window of the boys’ bedroom. Malcolm is at his desk. Reese: She’s out there. Malcolm: Who? Reese: Emily! The demon child! She’s everywhere! No matter where I go, or what I do, she’s there! I’m going crazy! Malcolm: Aren’t you the one who wanted a feud? Reese: Malcolm, you know I don’t think things through. How am I supposed to fight her? I can’t hit her, I can’t do anything to her, and she knows it! I’m completely defenceless! Malcolm: Reese, she’s four! You’re bigger and smarter than – well, you’re bigger. Lois: (calling) Malcolm, would you come out here please? Malcolm goes into the lounge, where two cops, a male and a female, are waiting. Lois: Malcolm, these people would like a word with you. Lady Cop: We’ve had a report that you’ve been seen prowling in the neighbour’s yards, and peeking in their windows. Malcolm: What? Lois: So you’ve decided to become a Peeping Tom? A Peeping Tom! Malcolm: But I didn’t do it! Why would I want to look in anybody’s windows, have you seen the people in this neighbourhood? Hal: Peeping isn’t about looks, son. It’s about the thrill and exhilaration of observing someone without their knowledge. Cut to the yard late at night, where Hal is creeping across to the fence, where he sits down with a beer to talk to Mike, who is on the other side of the fence doing the same. Hal: You still have to go to Dayton? Mike: Yeah. But it’s only a couple days. How was your presentation? ----------------------- Page 6----------------------- Hal: Oh, great! Your joke killed! Look at us, we’ve been reduced to sneaking around at night. A man should be able to talk to his best friend in daylight! Mike: Did you say best? Hal: I should go. Cut to the street the next day, where Malcolm is walking home from school, being watched closely by all the neighbours, including a mother who is accompanying her son who is riding his bike. They have all heard the rumour about Malcolm sneaking around. Malcolm: (TC) This has been going on for days! I can’t believe everybody fell for Josh’s stupid lie! Maybe if I just ignore him for a while, he’ll go away. I’m pretty sure my memory’s right! Dewey is standing in a driveway, with a skipping rope, singing. Dewey: Late at night, when you’re sleeping, that’s when Malcolm comes a-peeping, you better watch out, you better beware, or Malcolm will see your underwear. Malcolm: What are you doing, where did you learn that? Dewey: At school. 1, 2, 3, 4, Malcolm’s at your bedroom door, 5, 6, 7, 8… Cut to the Wilkersons’ yard, where the neighbours’ gardener is trimming their hedges without permission. Lois: What are you doing? These are our hedges! This is the property line! The property line, the property line! You can’t cross the property line! (runs across the neighbours’ yard to the window, where Tina is looking through the closed curtain) I can see you! Don’t think you can hide from me! Why don’t you come out here and apologise to me like an adult! (sprinklers come on around Lois) Oh. That’s real mature! Don’t think you can get rid of me so easy! Fine! If that’s the way you want it to be, you’ll get these back when you fix my hedges! (takes gnomes) Cut to inside, where Lois puts the gnomes on the table, just as Dewey comes into the room, reading a book. He sees the gnomes and runs outside, screaming. Cut to Marlin Academy. Francis: What’s going on, we’re on our fifth rendition of Candy Man. Where is Spangler? Eric: He says he’s not ready. Francis: What’s he trying to do, make a fashionable entrance? North’s been waiting for dinner for forty-five minutes. He’s gonna fill up on cheese and crackers! Francis enters Spangler’s room, where he is lying on his bed. Spangler: Huh? Francis: Are you all right, sir? Spangler: I am a little under the weather. Francis: You’re drunk, sir. Spangler: Oh, that could be why. I was a tad nervous about Colonel North’s visit, I thought that a little drink of something might help. Gulped down seven or eight bottles of Scotch. Francis: Let’s get you dressed. And attached. Spangler: (sounding upset) The man is a national hero, he’s done so many things. And I have done so little. I don’t deserve to breathe the same air as that great man. Francis: Don’t talk like that, sir – Spangler: No! I’m a worm! Cadet, I’m a worm! I belong on the floor, with the other worms! (rolls o bed onto the floor) ----------------------- Page 7----------------------- Francis: (holding Spangler’s shirt) Sir, get up! Sir, please, stop wriggling! Sir? Cut to the Wilkersons’ yard late at night, where Reese and Malcolm are plotting revenge against the neighbours. Reese: Look, we just sneak over the fence, plant the stolen goods under Josh’s window, and make an anonymous phone call to the Police from Stevie’s house. Malcolm: (TC): Yeah, I know it’s stupid, but I’m too desperate to care! (to Reese) Are you sure this is going to work? Reese: If there’s one thing I’ve learned, you can’t claim your own name. You can only ruin someone else’s. Malcolm: Yeah, but- Reese: Trust me. I found everything. Everyone’s gonna think Josh is a thief, his parents are going to be tied up in Court, and Emily’s going to be thrown in a foster home, where she’ll bite her foster parents, who’ll then leave her to rest up somewhere, and she can spend the rest of her life biting Hillbillies on the interstate. Malcolm: Ok. (They jump over the fence) Cut to Tina and the gardener in the hot tub together. Tina: My god, you people are handsome. (realises Malcolm and Reese are there and turns around) AAARRRRGGGHHHH!! Malcolm/Reese: AAARRRRGGGHHHH!! Tina: You’re little monsters! Camera switches to various neighbours looking over the fence, including Hal and Lois. Tina: He’s teaching me to swim! Cut to Marlin Academy, where the cadets are walking down the corridor. Joe: I can’t believe after all he put us through, Spangler ends up getting drunk and standing up the Colonel! Eric: Yeah, that was creepy, the way he was wriggling around on the floor like that, calling for his mother. Francis: I’ll go check on him. (goes into Spangler’s room, where Spangler is lying on the floor) Spangler: Who’s there? Francis: Um, just me, sir. Spangler: (sitting up in a panic) What time is it? Colonel North should be here any minute. Francis: It’s morning, sir. You’ve already missed revelling. Spangler: Oh my god! (starts crying) Oh my god! The one chance I had to be face to face with my hero, I slept through his visit? Francis: Slept through his visit, sir? You guys were up all night talking. Spangler: We did? Francis: Yeah, you really hit it o . He told you to call him Ollie. Spangler: Really? Francis: Don’t you remember? You two were laughing and joking like old friends, and drinking Scotch, lots and lots of Scotch. Spangler: Yes we did, didn’t we? Francis: If I may say so sir, you were the happiest I have ever seen you. Spangler: Well, you may. You may. Now if you will excuse me, I have to get myself ready. Francis rejoins Eric and Joe in the corridor. ----------------------- Page 8----------------------- Joe: Dude, that was classy. Francis: Thanks. So when do we get back the pictures of him? Joe: Wednesday. Photo size takes two days. Cut to the Wilkersons’ street, where Hal is farewelling Mike, who, along with the rest of their family, is moving away. Hal: Hey, I’m really sorry about you and Tina. (Mike hands him something) What’s this? Mike: A mix tape. (car drives away, followed by the moving van, which smashes a gnome. Dewey runs over and jumps on the broken pieces.) Cut to di erent day, where Hal is doing something in the yard, when he is greeted by the new owners of the house. Man: Hey! Hi neighbour, Steve Jenkins. Hal: Sorry Steve. It’s just too soon for me.