----------------------- Page 1----------------------- 209 HIGH SCHOOL PLAY TRANSCRIPT Hal: I'm home. Lois: Hi honey. We're on our own tonight. I thought maybe we'd go out to dinner. Hal: Where are the kids? Lois: Oh, Malcolm's over at Stevie's. Reese has got Hockey practice. Dewey's at Billy's, or one of the neighbor kids. Looks like we're on our own. What are you in the mood for (Hal sits on the table behind her, naked) (Looks at Hal) That has got to be a new record! (Puts down paper) OPENING CREDITS Malcolm (to camera): People are always asking our class to volunteer for stuff. They just assume we're social rejects with nothing better to do. It's true. I just don't like having it thrown in my face. Magan: So, our school needs a kid about your age to be in our school play. It'll be a lot of fun. The play is by a guy named William Shakespeare. He was a writer way back in the olden times. Dabney: He was a civilate drunk fronting for the fourteenth Earl of Oxford! Lloyd: Why can't you leave the guy alone? So he didn't have the benefit of higher education How many PHE's have written King Leader? (Class starts arguing) Caroline: Now, now, now, try to remember we have a guest. Let's save our heated words for Open Forum Friday. Magan. Continue. Magan: Whoever he was, he had a pointy little beard, and he wrote a really good play called "A Midsummer Night's Dream". We need someone to play the Changeling Boy. Caroline: Ok, before anyone gets too excited, there is a downside, you'll probably have to miss class. Malcolm: I'll do it! Dabney: You can't, we're working on a secret project that - I've said too much. Caroline: Ok. I thought we agreed, no more secret projects. Some of you still don't have your eyebrows back from your last secret project. Malcolm: I can do both. Lloyd: All right. Just as long as you know where your priorities are. Malcolm: I can do it now. (Stands up and picks up backpack) (Cuts to Malcolm in High School) _____________________________________________________________________________ Malcolm: Look at all these people! They're pierced, they're brooding, they're wearing weird clothes. They don't care about anything. It's like a room full of Francises!" Teacher Guy #1: Ok, people. Doing Act 3 Scene 2. Oberon, Puck. Teacher Guy #2 Where's my Puck? Teacher Guy #1: Hey. You. Changeling Boy. Can you read? Malcolm: Yeah. Teacher Guy #1: You've got half these kids beaten. Read Puck for the day. Page 27. ----------------------- Page 2----------------------- Teacher Guy #2: This is thy negligence. Still thou mistakeous or commitest thy neighbor is wilfully. Malcolm: Believe me, King whose shadows I mistook. Did not you tell me I should know the man by the Althenian garments he had on? And so far blameless proves my enterprise that I have noted in Althenian's eyes. And so far (Cuts to Malcolm's house, where the family are eating dinner) ______________________________________________________________________________________ Lois: You went from a part with no lines to the lead in the High School play? Hal: That's great! It's not a musical, is it? Malcolm: No. Hal: That's great! Reese: Dude! You play a fairy? Lois: Not just any fairy Reese, he's the biggest fairy in the whole play. (Bends down to hug Malcolm) I am so proud of you. Malcolm: Rehearsals are every night. You have to get me there by five. Lois: Every night? Malcolm: Oh yeah, and on the weekends. Lois: Ok. We can do this. If I go into work early I can get off in enough time to drop you off at Rehearsal before I take Reese to Hockey. Oh, except the days Reese has detention. And then Dewey's home alone. Hal: I'll take care of it, I can rearrange my schedule for a couple of weeks. (To Dewey) It'll be fun spending some time together. Dewey: Can we run over things in the car like we did last time? Hal: Ju-ju (covers Dewey's mouth and looks at Lois) It was already dead. ______________________________________________________________________________________ Francis: This is your best Guacamole yet, Joe. Joe: Thanks. The secret is fresh lime juice. Cadet #1: Commandant on the floor! (Cadets all get up and stand in a line) Spangler: No, no, please don't let me disturb you. Make yourselves at home. Wait a minute. This is not your home. This is not your Mama's house. (Flicks cap off Cadet's head). There's no maid here to clean up your toys. And yet as I look around this institution of learning, I see video games, I see girlie magazines, and I see Garth - Garth Vader defiling our wall of Remebrance! (Strips poster off the wall) Well clearly, things have got a little lax around here! I blame myself, but it is you who will suffer. From now on, there will be weekly inspections. And you will relenquish all non-standard issue personal affectionate artwork. It is time for you to learn that true happiness comes from within. Francis: Is that why you're so happy, sir? Spangler: I'm as giddy as a schoolgirl, Cadet. ______________________________________________________________________________________ Lois: Ok, spaghetti, toilet cleaner, glitter for Malcolm's costume. I think that's it. (Looks at watch) Oh my god! Is that right? What time do you have? Checkout Lady: Uh, 5.45. ----------------------- Page 3----------------------- Lois: 5.45. That's not possible. Dropped off Malcolm, picked up Reese. Dinner's in the oven.Oh. Checkout Lady: What is it? Lois: I have the next twenty-five minutes free. Checkout Lady: How did you manage that, did you leave a kid somewhere? Lois: No, no, they're all accounted for. Checkout Lady: What are you going to do? Lois: I don't know. (Picks up bag and starts walking away) I don't know. ______________________________________________________________________________________ Dewey: So this goes here? Hal: Yeah, and that should do it. Hey, these were in English. Dewey: This is nice! It never looks like the box when I do it alone. Hal: Me either. We make a good team. (Tips out another box) All right. You start on Main Street, I'll do University Place, and we'll meet at the Bistro at say, noonish? ______________________________________________________________________________________ Masseuse: Would you like a massage? Lois: I don't know. I'm really not a massage person. Masseuse: It only takes fifteen minutes. Lois: Well, I do have some time to kill. (Puts down bag and lies on massage seat) I am not taking off my shirt. And I'm warning you, I've never been hypnotized. And I've never been relaxed. (Masseuse starts massaging) Hmmm. That actually feels pretty good. (Pauses a few minutes then starts to cry) ______________________________________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________________________________ Cadet #1: But sir, that's a photo of my sister! (Spangler puts the photo into a box) Spangler: To you, she's your sister, to the other Cadets, she's a distraction. Now if you need me to go into more detail on that, I will. How long are those sideburns, Cadet? (Cadet holding box passes Spangler a ruler) Francis: This is crazy. Even prisoners can have photographs! Spangler's trying to take away the things that remind us we're still human! Joe: Francis, don't rock the boat! Francis: I don't care any more! It's time to take a last desperate stand for individuality and freedom! (Cuts to Francis in his room, putting flower on his table) ______________________________________________________________________________________ Lois: Malcolm, Reese, get a move on! (Walks to door and stops where Hal is making a building for the Lego town) Oh, good god Hal, when are you going to clean this up? Malcolm, Reese, let's go! Hal: Honey, I promised Dewey I'd spend time with him. Lois: This must have cost a fortune! We'll talk about this later. Some of us have places to be! ----------------------- Page 4----------------------- (Walks out door followed by Malcolm and Reese) Hal: So, Dewey, I'm thinking our little community could use a school. Dewey: Don't need it. Everyone's born smart. Hal: That's beautiful son. It's a utopia. Dewey: And anyone stupid will be ground up for food. Hal: Oh. a cannibal utopia. Interesting. ______________________________________________________________________________________ Lois: Oh, you're still here? I was just doing some shopping, and I thought while I was here, you know, while I was here, I'd stop over and say hi. (Cuts to Lois on massage seat with Masseuse massaging her) Oh my god! How do you do this? Masseuse: Release points. (Massages one area) This releases the mind. (Massages another area) This releases the heart. (Massages another area) and you know what this one does. (Cuts to Hal and Lois in bed) Hal: Wow. ______________________________________________________________________________________ Stevie: We need....to talk. Lloyd: You've missed our last five secret meetings. And our test runs in less than twenty minutes. Dabney: Why do you hate us? Malcolm: You guys, I don't hate you. I've just been really busy. We're still friends. Dabney: Really? Malcolm: Course. Lloyd: So you're not bailing on the project? Malcolm: No. Lloyd: Then you have the final figures? Malcolm: Yeah. I worked on them all night after rehearsal. They're in my desk. (Cuts to Malcolm frantically writing out figures) ______________________________________________________________________________________ Malcolm (passes the page to one of the Krelboynes): Here. Dabney: It was the other kids who doubted you. (Car pulls up behind them) Magan: Hey Malcolm! Need a ride? Malcolm: I gotta go. (Climbs into car and drives off) (Cuts to Krelboynes in the bush setting up their rocket) Dabney: She's distracted. We have to do it now! Lloyd: The program is running. Kid #1: Let's light this candle. Stevie: Admission.....in.....5.....4....3.... (rocket takes off and other kids around the playground get ----------------------- Page 5----------------------- scared) Blastoff! (Joins others at the monitor) (Cuts to Malcolm and the High School clan driving down the road as the rocket flies above and they scream and stop the car) Malcolm: Ok. There are any number of reasons why that might have gone wrong. (Cuts back to Krelboynes in the bush) Stevie: Where.....is it? (The Krelboynes bolt as the rocket heads straight for them) (Cuts to Caroline) Caroline: I work hard too. But I managed to make it to the Lamaze class. (Turns around as rocket heads straight for her, and screams) ______________________________________________________________________________________ Joe: We had a vote. We want you to get rid of the plant! You're going to get us all in trouble with this little stunt of yours! Francis: This isn't a stunt, it's an act of defiance. Joe: It's a plant! Francis: Can't you see this isn't about a plant? When Spangler sees this, he'll know that he didn't crush our spirit, and he never will. Joe: It's not worth the risk! Francis: Once again, it looks like I'm the only man around here! ______________________________________________________________________________________ Magan: I can't believe Nicole's wearing a dress like that, you can totally see her naval! If she wants to be a slut, that's fine, but don't make me lose my lunch. Malcolm: I know. She's like totally trying to impress David. But the way he's in Brenda's business, she didn't have a chance. (To camera) I can't believe how deep our conversations are getting. Girl #2: You're never going to believe what I heard about Josh. But you can't tell anyone. I overheard his stepsister while I was in the bathroom. Magan: His half-sister or step-sister? Girl #2: His step-sister. That's why he can't have a crush on her. Girls & Malcolm: Ewwww! (Malcolm is pulled up) Girl #3: They were just talking about me weren't they? Malcolm: No, we were talking about Josh. Girl #3: Oh my god. His father totally went down after seeing him in the hot tub with his step-sister. Do you know what? I think he knows the whole story. Malcolm: That's my cue. (To camera) I feel guilty having so much fun and ditching the Krelboynes. But I'm sure they're doing fine without me. (Cuts to Krelboynes cleaning in the school kitchen) Principal: You boys are just lucky no-one called the Police. Lloyd: You can't prove there's any correlation between our rocket exploding and Caroline giving ----------------------- Page 6----------------------- birth in the school parking lot! Principal: She and the baby are fine. Thanks for asking. Stevie: And our...rocket? (Principal leaves without saying anything) Dabney (crying): Oh god. They're gonna sue! (kid puts arm around him) ______________________________________________________________________________________ Hal: It's finished. A perfect society. We have done what five thousand years of so-called civilization couldn't do. We've created a world that works. Dewey: We? (Reese walks in and looks at the Lego world) Hal: You want to destroy it, don't you? Reese: Yeah. Hal: Well I appreciate that you haven't. You've shown a lot of restraint (hands him a toolkit and hammer) Here. Enjoy. (Reese runs off as Lois walks by) (To Lois) Oh honey, ah look, I know we got a little carried away, but this is it, I promise. Lois: It's ok, I'm going grocery shopping. Hal: Didn't you just go grocery shopping? Lois: Yeah sure, no problem. ______________________________________________________________________________________ Where's Mr Lee? Checkout Lady: Excuse me? Lois: The massage guy. Where is he? Checkout Lady: Oh. He's not working here any more. Lois: What do you mean? That's impossible, he would never leave without telling me. Checkout Lady: Well, I could try to find out where he moved to. Lois (yelling): So he could leave me again? Forget it! It's over! ______________________________________________________________________________________ Magan: I heard John has a new piercing, I'll give you three guesses where. And it's not the ear or the belly button. Girl #2: John takes all the girls camping, and he tries to convince them you're skinny-dipping with him. Magan: Oh, do you know what we should totally do? We should totally have a pool party at my house on Saturday. Malcolm, want to come? Malcolm: Yeah.... wait, I have something to do on Saturday.... oh yeah, the play. ______________________________________________________________________________________ Dewey: Live, live, die! (Picks up Playmobil man from table and throws it away) Live, live, live, live, die! (Picks up another man and throws it away as Hal enters) Hal: Hey. What happened to the Judicial system, presided over by a tribunal of wise elders? Dewey: I had them lined up and shot. ----------------------- Page 7----------------------- Hal: You know son, maybe you've been spending too much – Dewey: Silence! Seize him! (Hal looks around and is startled by the Playmobil men arranged on the top of the buildings) Hal: All right, son. I think it's time you goosed up off to bed. (Picks up Dewey by his shirt and drags him off) Dewey (whining): Dad, you're embarrassing me in front of my men! (Lois arrives home) Lois: Hal! Why is this still here! (Slips on a lose piece of Lego and screams as she falls in slow motion, knocking down the whole Lego society as she goes while Hal and Dewey watch in horror) Ow. (Reese runs in when he hears noise) Reese: No fair! You did it without me! ______________________________________________________________________________________ Joe: Spangler's coming. Lose the plant! Francis: The time has come, we're drawing the line. Joe: And hut! (the Cadets all line up and Francis stands up and joins them) Spangler: This is more like it! Everything ship-shape. The Commanding Officer enters, and is greeted by straightened backs and the crack of shoe-litter. Now I know it's been a rough couple of days, but you will agree, we are the better for it, we are a ling, mean, learning machine. Now I know that some of you think that I'm a sagist, but someday, you will thank me. Joe: Man, that's brutal. Is there anything we can do to cheer you up? Francis: Do you have any more pictures of your sister? (Cuts to family at the play) ______________________________________________________________________________________ Lois: Hal please, stop. You're making it worse. Hal (to Dewey): You ok, sport? (Dewey is sitting looking sad. He has a Playmobil man sticking out of his shirt pocket) (Camera switches to Krelboynes) Lloyd: Why are we here? Malcolm betrayed us! Dabney: If you love something, let it go. Lloyd: Save your cat poster philosophy for someone else. Stevie: We're taking....the high road. Malcolm: Was that my cue? Quick, lower me! (Guy lowers Malcolm down to the stage, but hangs there without saying anything) Malcolm: (To camera): This feels like one of those times where it feels like an eternity, but only a few seconds have gone by. Hal (to Lois) How come Malcolm hasn't said anything for five minutes? (Lois puts her hand on his arm) Lloyd: Normally, I would enjoy this show, but this is just sad! (Calls out line to Malcolm) Malcolm: How now spirit, wither wander you. (Facial expression changes from happy to sad as voices talk in his head from conversations he's had with the High School girls) (Lloyd calls out the next line) The King duth keep his revels here tonight. (Buries face in hands) (Cuts to Lloyd under spotlight on stage) ----------------------- Page 8----------------------- Lloyd: So good night, and to you all, give me your hands if we be friends, and Robin shall restore amends! (Audience claps) Reese (to Hal) It's over? But you promised me partial nudity! Hal: That was a lie. Reese: And ice cream after? Hal: That too. (Cast bows then spotlight moves onto Malcolm, and clapping stops, except Dewey, who wants to clap for Malcolm but Hal puts his hand on Dewey's knees) (Cuts to Malcolm hanging on the stage in the auditorium by himself) Malcolm: How now spirit, wither wander you. The King duth keep his revels here tonight. (To camera) I knew I knew it!