----------------------- Page 1----------------------- Transcript from Malcolm-France OCK CAR RACE RANCRIP Reese: What are you looking at, monkey boy? Dewey: Ow! Ow! Ow! Reese! Reese: What are you doing? Dewey: Help! Ow! Help! Mom! Reese: Cut it out. Cut it out Dewey: Ow! Help! It hurts! Ow! Reese: Knock it off, you little Lois: Reese, what the heck are you doing? Honestly, you can't leave that kid alone for five minutes without picking on him! Reese: I didn't do anything, Mom Malcolm (TC): I gave him that Hal: Honey, which juice don't I like? Apple or grape? Lois: You don't like either Hal: Oh, right Lois: Malcolm, what is all this stuff from your teacher? That woman sends home two or three fliers every day Malcolm: She says she wants the parents to be as involved as possible with the children Lois: At school? It's the only break I get What exactly is 'Personal Fulfilment Week'? Malcolm: Square dancing (TC): That's right, square dancing Reese: You should see it The Krelboynes dance on the Tetherball courts, in front of the whole school We laugh our asses off Lois: Excuse me? Reese: Butts We laugh our butts off Lois: Open Swish Spit Reese: This tastes like crap Malcolm: Reese is right This class is turning me into a total weirdo Lois: You are not a weirdo You are gifted And if gifted kids are supposed to square-dance, then you'll do it Probably teaches you geometry (to Hal) Don't forget to mail these bills They're late ----------------------- Page 2----------------------- Transcript from Malcolm-France Hal: Two blues, one pink We're doing better Lois: Don't get cocky They're hot until I deposit my paycheck (To boys) You kids, let's get going Come on Malcolm, you don't want them to start do-si-do-ing without you Malcolm (TC): That's it For the sake of my manhood, today I'm ditching school Hal: Hey, why don't I drive you boys to school today? Malcolm: Uh, that's okay, Dad I don't mind walking Hal: Oh, no, no, no I really want to A chance to spend a few extra minutes with my sons, enjoying their company. Honestly, son, it'll be the highlight of my day Come on Malcolm: Great. Now I can't even be mad at him Francis: Oh, Stanley. Let me show you how it's done Stanley: Uh-oh, eyes down (Cadets all walk past Francis one by one and punch him in the arm) Stanley: That was good You didn't give them any satisfaction In another six months, they'll be bored with you Eric: (laughing at sport on TV) That’s got to hurt Francis: Mom was right I do get some sick thrill out of trouble Eric: Ow! Cadet #: That skinny guy! Come on, get him! Cadet #: Commandant on the floor Ten-hut! Spangler: I smell smoke Who is responsible? Very well We'll do it the hard way Patton (reaches Francis and Patton barks)Francis, please lift up your right foot Son, you have the worst attitude I've ever seen in 5 years at this institution. You seem compelled to break every rule, to flout every convention You are never going to make it in the armed forces or anywhere else Now, I was never fortunate enough to serve in combat but I do know what it requires Look at this dog He is vicious, he is ungrateful and yet even he understands the importance of obedience Do you hear what I am saying, Francis? Francis: Yes, sir I'll try to be more like a Jack Russell terrier, sir Spangler: There will be no hot water for this floor for the entire month You can thank the cadet after I leave Francis: (Cadets all walk up and one punches him in the eye) Ow! ----------------------- Page 3----------------------- Transcript from Malcolm-France 7 Dewey: Reese wiped his booger on my lunch bag Hal: Dewey, what have we taught you about snitching? Dewey: Only snitch when asked to snitch Hal: Good boy So, looking forward to school? Malcolm: I guess Hal: That's a shame 'Cause we're not going to school (Laughs) Malcolm: Where are we going? Hal: Boys, I'm going to share something with you that I hope you'll remember for the rest of your lives Now, I don't want to spoil the surprise, but I've been planning this for years I just had to wait until you were all old enough to appreciate it Reese: Hookers? Malcolm: If it gets me out of square dancing, fine Hal: Just sit back and enjoy the ride, boys We're rebels We're wild men! (cackles) Whoo! Lois: Where did I put the damn paycheck? Stanley: Those guys are wimps That's not even half the size of the one I gave you just to get you out of riflery Francis: Hey, thanks for pulling them off me I owe you one Stanley: One? Francis: Hey, you want to see something very, very cool? Stanley: Oh, boy, what have you done now? Francis: Oh, isn't he beautiful? He only cost me $0 I'm calling him Otis Stanley: Did you listen to anything Spangler said? You're already in enough trouble as it is without bringing in a pet Francis: Well, Spangler has that oversized gerbil And besides, Otis is not a pet Otis is a symbol Stanley: Of what? Francis: Of everything that is beautiful in the world Independence free thought I may be stuck here in this militaristic loony bin but at least some part of me can stay connected to the things that give me my ----------------------- Page 4----------------------- Transcript from Malcolm-France humanity You're not going to turn me in, are you? Stanley: I don't know On the one hand, you're probably going to get caught. Because you always do Then, of course, I'll be involved, even though I had nothing to do with it On the other hand, it's a snake Francis: Good man! I think I'm starting to bring out the rebel in you Stanley: Touching Right Sorry Malcolm: Stock car races! Reese: Oh, cool! Hal: That's right, boys The real field of dreams, only with concrete instead of all that grass Hal: Here we go Excuse us, please Oh, boys, boys You see that blue car down in front? Number 6? Boys: Yeah Hal: That is Rusty Malcolm Greatest man in the history of the sport Maybe the greatest man ever 5 NASCAR titles Six world records Inventor of the in-car urination system The list is endless And he came from nothing, just like you boys You see, this is Rusty's last race ever He's retiring So, I wanted to share him with you before he went, so that you can see for yourselves how much you can accomplish in this world with a little persistence and determination Guy in stand: Did you read that article in ‘People’ about him getting a divorce? Hal: Shut your filthy mouth You know, you were named after Rusty, Malcolm Malcolm: I was? Hal: Yessiree, Bob Took me two kids to win that argument Announcer: And there they go Whoo! Gentlemen, start your excitement, because here they come! Woohoo! Whoo! Dewey: He won! Rusty Malcolm won! Hal: No, sweetheart That was just the pace lap Malcolm: How many laps are there? Oh, hundreds We've got four hours of this Malcolm: Four hours?! Hal: Uh-huh Reese: Do we at least get to see any flaming wrecks? ----------------------- Page 5----------------------- Transcript from Malcolm-France Hal: Reese, it's not about that See, it's about strategy and technique It's about the melding of man and machine The wrecks are just sort of a bonus Dewey you can keep track of the laps Malcolm: Can we go get sodas? Hal: What? Already? Well, okay Guess it can't be a special day without sodas, huh? Here Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait Get your dad a beer Take my I.D Come on, Rusty! Lois: (vacuuming chair) Firecrackers Malcolm (finds porn magazine) I'm going to say Reese Three rooms to go, and already I have enough evidence to ground them for life Malcolm: Dewey, stay with us You're going to get lost Dewey: No, I won't Yes, you will You always do Reese: You know you could help I'm watching him He's right over – (looks around and Dewey is gone) Malcolm (TC): Man, how does he do that? Totally your fault! He was right in your eye line You don't pay attention to anything! Reese: I pay attention (finds burger on ground and shoves Score! (picks up burger and shoves it in his mouth) Malcolm: What are you doing? Reese: (mouth full of burger) Too slow Malcolm: Come on Let's just go find Dewey This place sucks It's hot, it stinks nobody's T-shirts cover their stomachs, and I'm bored out of my mind Reese: Hey Look at that Let's check it out Malcolm: I don't know It doesn't just say 'keep out ' It says 'forbidden ' Reese: And they wouldn't bother making it 'forbidden' if it wasn't something totally bitchin' on the other side Malcolm: Wow. I can't find a flaw in his logic Reese: Come on What's the worst that could happen? Malcolm: We didn't do anything! Reese: I'm a diabetic I need insulin Guard: Sit down! Malcolm: You are such an idiot! (TC): It actually was pretty bitchin' And I'm totally getting one of these for Christmas ----------------------- Page 6----------------------- Transcript from Malcolm-France Lois: (doorbell rings) What does the sign say? Caroline: 'No soliciting.' Lois: Well, that includes Jesus Caroline: No, it's Caroline Miller, Malcolm's teacher I need to talk to you Lois: (frustrated) Yeah, come on in Caroline: Oh, spring cleaning? Lois: Oh, ho Yeah, I'm cleaning house, all right Caroline: I'm sorry to bother you at home, but when Malcolm didn't show up for school today Lois: What? Malcolm cut school today? Caroline: Yeah, actually, not just today Now, your first reaction is probably going to be one of understandable Lois: Wait! (writes on piece of paper) 'Ditching.' We have a winner! Caroline: Anyway, this week we've been doing a lot of work on folk movement, and I-I think that Malcolm may be ditching because he's afraid that well, that he may not seem, graceful Lois: Oh, you're serious Caroline: Yes, I'm serious I think he may have body issues Lois: Look, honey, you're probably very bright, but you've got a lot to learn about boys First off, they're able to think maybe three minutes into the future, and it's our job to make sure that future comes crashing down on them within the time limit Otherwise, they never learn anything Help lift Caroline: (sees something gross under couch) Eew! What is that? Lois: Don't be such a baby I'll get the tongs Malcolm: I'll be Kevin You be Clyde Reese: Think you can cry? Malcolm: No. I got to feel it Reese: Ooh, I got an idea Malcolm: No! Reese: Just follow my lead Malcolm: No, Reese Whatever it is, no! ----------------------- Page 7----------------------- Transcript from Malcolm-France Guard: Well, I guess you boys had some time to think about what you've done Malcolm: Yes, sir Guard: Look, I, uh, used to be your age and I understand how tempting a place like that can be And I guess you kids really didn't do any major harm so I've decided to let you off – (Reese punches him) Malcolm: (he and Reese run to the door) Open it! Reese: It's locked! Malcolm: Okay, I think I can cry now Announcer: And Rusty Malcolm has retaken the lead with only 00 laps to go Dream Rusty: Great beverage work, Hal! Dream Hal: My pleasure, Rusty! Announcer: Here comes Rusty Malcolm into the pits It's going to be four tires Hal: Hey, how about that, boys? (sees their empty seats and sighs) Well, this just plain hurts my feelings Francis: Oh, man Oh, ma Stanley, I'm sorry, I Stanley: Wait I'm trying to see if I'm inspired by its symbolic bid for freedom No. I'm just really pissed Francis: Okay, don't overreact It's just a snake, right? So, it's got to be around here somewhere No big deal (hears Patton whining in pain) Spangler: Oh my God! Patton, no! (two gunshots can be heard) Francis: (on phone) Hi, Mom. Uh, I was just thinking about how much I missed you guys, and I love you, and I was thinking I should come for a visit, you know, like today There's a flight leaving in half an hour and I already booked it, so I just need your credit card number to - Lois: Well, honey, here's the thing Right now you are actually better off being as far away from me as possible Francis: But Lois: You got to trust me on this one, Francis or, uh, should I say (takes fake ID from basket of Francis’s stuff) 'Olaf Mortenson' of Wheatville, Montana? (Francis slams down phone) Caroline: You know, I have learned more in two hours with you than I have in six years of teaching So, did your life turn out anything at all like you planned? ----------------------- Page 8----------------------- Transcript from Malcolm-France Lois: Oh, God, no Oh, when I was a girl, I had all these crazy, romantic dreams I wanted to be a blackjack dealer in an Indian reservation Didn't work out Stubby thumbs Caroline: Well, at least you have your home and your family All I come home to every night are three howling cats And Bob Lois: Who's Bob? Caroline: My shower head. (they both laugh) Do you have anything stronger? Lois: (pulls out bottle) I'm way ahead of you Announcer: And it looks like Rusty Malcolm will win his final race! Hal: Rusty! (looks around for boys) I can't believe they're missing this Announcer: Rusty Malcolm maintains the lead high off the third turn (Dewey runs across track) What ? Oh, for the love of God! Hal: (while everyone else panics about seeing Dewey) Rusty do something? Missed it! What'd he do? Spangler: Men a terrible tragedy has befallen us At approximately 700 hours, our beloved Patton was set upon by a serpent and devoured I, myself, fired a few rounds as it slithered away, but, hampered by a lack of depth perception, my efforts were useless Now after an incident such as this, certain questions arise Leaving aside for the moment why God feels the need to take away everything that I love that leaves us with the matter of who is responsible (Walks over to Francis and holds up hand) Can you explain that, Francis? Francis: Yes, sir. I believe you lost that finger trying to start the school lawn mower Spangler: What is in the hand? Francis: They appear to be Raisinettes, sir Spangler: They are snake droppings, found in your footlocker Now, what do you have to say for yourself? Francis: Sir, I'm obviously the victim of an elaborate conspiracy to frame me It's just too perfect, sir Spangler: (angrily) Two months! No hot water, no television and an 8:00 p.m. curfew for the entire academy! Feel free to thank the cadet after I leave Francis: Could I ask one favor? Send a picture of me to my mom with 'I told you so' written across it ----------------------- Page 9----------------------- Transcript from Malcolm-France Cadets: Yeah! Whoo! Finley: Way to go, man Francis: What? Drew: We hated that yappy, little rat Let's hear it for Francis, you guys! (everyone cheers) Francis: (as cadets take turns to punch him) This is an improvement, right? Hal: Reese! Announcer: Rusty Malcolm wins the stock car - Hal: Malcolm! Dew - Dewey: Hi, Dad Hal: Hi. Where are your brothers? (sees guard with Reese and Malcolm) Oh, geez Come on Uh what seems to be the trouble here, Officer, uh Carl? Guard: These your boys? Hal: Yes, sir, that they are Couldn't be prouder of them Guard: These are two of the worst kids I have ever encountered in my life And I work the state fair Hal: Really? See, that must be fascinating - seeing people from all over, the different cultures Guard: I don't want to be a hard case here, but these kids physically attacked me Plus, they completely destroyed a $300 pneumatic drill which someone's going to pay for Hal: Well, this all sounds pretty serious But don't you worry, Officer Carl They are going to hear all about it when I get them home I'm just sorry that they had to put you through all of this. That's not fair And I, uh, see, I fully intend to pay for – (kicks guard in the leg) Clyde, Kevin! Get to the car! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! (when they pull into the driveway) Ooh! (chuckles) Okay All right, men Well, I hope you've all learned something today, huh? Malcolm (TC): I learned my dad is actually capable of doing something cool I'm not saying violence is cool, but that was cool! I always wondered where we got it from Hal: (throwing evidence in bin) Program, tickets - huh Your mother's paycheck Now, boys, remember, as far as your mom knows, I have been at work all day (laughs) Okay, go on All right (Hal and the boys go inside and see their baskets of stuff on the table. Lois is sitting there with a cup of tea) ----------------------- Page 10----------------------- Transcript from Malcolm-France Malcolm: (TC):Well, at least she doesn't know I skipped school all week