----------------------- Page 1----------------------- 109 LOIS VS EVIL TRANSCRIPT Dewey: I hate my brothers. I only like me. I hate my brothers. I only like me. I hate my brothers. I only like me. Lois: (to Malolm an Reese) Stop it right now! I mean it! (to Hal) When are you going to be one? Hal: Soon as I an, honey. Lois: I sai, stop it! Dewey: I hate my brothers. I only like me. I hate my brothers. I only like me. Hal: Five aross. My mother the... blank. Malolm: (TC): I know a lot of kis say they like shool. But honestly, I just fin it exhausting. I mean, when I am in shool I'm either bore, terrifie... or onfuse about Julie Houlerman. Julie: Hi, Malolm. Malolm (TC): Perfet example. What oes she mean by that? Is it just ''Hi''? Is she trying to say she likes me? Is she just being nie? An now I have to figure out a seret way to answer her without A) ating like I like her or B) ating like I on't like her or C) ating like I've never even thought about A or B. Just be pleasant an nonommittal. (to Julie) Hey, Ju... (Julie has walke off with her frien) (TC): She's oing this to me on purpose. Girl: (to her frien) Oh, my go! Hey, how are you? Franis: Stanley, you are inreible. I thought Malolm was a genius but this is off the harts. Stanley: Well, The shool aske for an honor guar. I figure you' like a few weeks without rill pratie. Franis: A pageant, though. Beautiful girls with self-esteem issues. It's perfet. Easy. Let's start with the obvious runners up. They're going to be the neeiest. Craig: You know, uh, this is a little intense. You, me, working this shelf... together. Lois: What's intense about it? Craig: I guess nothing. Exuse me. (walks off) Reese: (boys arrive) Mom! Dewey: You're not suppose to yell in the store. Reese: (hits Dewey) Not suppose to o that either. Life's funny that way. ----------------------- Page 2----------------------- Craig: Hey... the Three Musketeers. Athos, Aramis... an you must be Porthos. Dewey: You're reepy. Craig: You really shouln't say hurtful things to grownups. Dewey: I'm sorry. Craig: That's okay. We're still friens. Mr Pinter: Craig... you have got to reo the nail polish. The rystal pinks are mixe with the frosty pinks are mixe with the Go knows what. Craig: Right away, Mr. Pinter. (oes ane own the aisle) Lois: Okay. I'm off work in five minutes. Don't touh the register. Don't touh the any, the prie tags, an on't touh the mirophones. That inlues by aient. That inlues just looking. That inlues hovering with your finger a half inh away from it. Fair warning. Reese: Dare you. Malolm: Go ahea. Reese: You o it. Dewey: I'll o it. Malolm: Yeah, right. Dewey: I will. Malolm: This isn't baby stuff, Dewey. Reese: Yeah. Go rie the horsy out front. (hukles) Horsy. I got to remember that. Lois: (stoking shelves) The mirophone, register... any... prie tags... steam leaner. (goes to steam leaner where the boys are playing with it) Boys! Malolm: It's not what it looks like. Hal: Oh, hello, boys. How long you in for? Reese: Another hour. Hal: Yow. Hi, Honey. Lois: Hi. Di you see Dewey outsie? Hal: Oh, what's wrong? Lois: I on't know, but something's upsetting him. He in't say a wor on the way home an now I just an't fin him anywhere. ----------------------- Page 3----------------------- Hal: Hmm. Hey, I'll hek his speial plae. Dewey? You in there, buy? Dewey: No. Hal: What's wrong, pal? Dewey: I i something ba. They tol me to rie a horsy an I'm not a baby but I woul have playe with the arpet leaner an I in't have a quarter anyway. Hal: Uh-huh. Dewey, honey Day's getting a ramp in his leg. What i you o? Dewey: I took something from Mommy's store. Hal: Well, that's very serious. What i you take? A any bar? Dewey: No. It's not a any bar. Hal: Oh? Well, what is it? Lois: A $150 bottle of Cogna? How oul you take this?! Dewey: I'm sorry. Hal: My Go, woul you look at this thing? Can you imagine the man who spens $150 on a bottle of Cogna? What o you think a guy like that pays for soks? Lois: Dewey, what am I going to o with you? Reese: (still against the wall) This works pretty goo, Mom. Lois: Get your jaket, we're going bak to the store. You are going to return this bottle to Mr. Pinter, apologize an aept the onsequenes. (at the store) What o mean, 'fire'?! You an't fire me for this. Mr Pinter: Sorry. Store poliy is very lear about stealing. Lois: But he in't steal it; he returne it. Right there. The bottle is perfet. You an just put it right bak on the shelf. Mr Pinter: I alreay marke it out of inventory. My hans are tie here. Lois: What are you talking about? You on't even o inventory. You foist if off on me beause you make so many mistakes. Mr Pinter: You're not exatly making me regret my eision here, Lois. Dewey: Mom? Lois: (to Dewey) Oh, honey, it's okay. It's okay. (to Mr Pinter) This is just an exuse. You have hate me ----------------------- Page 4----------------------- sine the minute you got here beause I was first hoie for your job an I turne it own. Mr Pinter: You know, you think what you want, okay? At least I in't raise a thief. Lois: (rips off Mr Pinter’s toupee an Mr Pinter yelps) Velro. I win the pool. Briget: (singing) Sweet home Alabama... where the skies are so blue. Sweet home Alabama... Lor, I'm oming home to you. Lay in harge: Oh, very, very nie, Briget. That was very nie. Oh, Franis, I wante to thank you again for being so helpful. Usually, the honour guars just sit aroun an gawk but you've really thrown yourself into this whole hog, haven't you? Franis: What an I say? I love the theater. Girl: Franis, will you help me eie on my leg extensions? Whih o you think looks better: right leg... or left leg? Franis: Mmm... an you... o both? Malolm (TC): It's been ten ays sine Mom lost her job. Yesteray for inner, we ha maaroni an rie. Toay it's rie an maaroni. Reese: Mom, I an't eat this stuff anymore. Lois: Reese, this is not the time for omplaining. Reese: I'm not omplaining; I'm onstipate. Lois: I'm sorry, we an't affor to live lavishly anymore. (to Dewey) Drink your milk. Dewey: It's lumpy. Lois: Then hew it. Hal: Hey, ome on, we an o this. We've ha to eonomize before. Remember when Granma rove into the living room? Or last year, when we were saving up for Disneylan? Dewey: We're going to Disneylan? Hal: No. It's like that. Exept this time, we're just trying to keep the house. Lois: Okay, everyboy, stop worrying. I am going to fin another job... another ashier job with flexible hours that allows me to leave whenever I nee to take are of my kis. Malolm: Well, an't you get unemployment or something? Lois: No. I only worke 38 hours a week. They onsier that ----------------------- Page 5----------------------- part-time. (to Dewey) You know, I hope you are at least learning something from all this. Dewey: Yeah — ‘if you o something ba, on't tell.' Lois: No -'We i the right thing.' That's what's important. Malolm: Can't we at least o a loa of launry or something? Everything I have stinks. Reese: Yeah, he wants to smell goo for... Julie! (Malolm pinhes his nek an he gags on his milk) Lois: Malolm. Malolm: (goes an kneels against the wall) Yeah, yeah. (TC): It was worth it. (at shool, to Stevie) So we an't o launry, we have to share baths an yesteray, she ha our able turne off. Our able! Stevie: How's your... love life? Malolm: What? So, basially, everything I tell you in onfiene as a frien you're going to use to make fun of me? Stevie: I have... nothing else. Julie: Hi, Malolm. You want to split lunhes? Malolm: What? Yeah, sure. Julie: I have a Chinese hiken sala, a tangerine an, ooh, Joran almons. What o you have? Malolm: Leftover eggs from breakfast. Julie: Oh. Malolm: Uh, I'm on a speial iet, for sports. Oh, I forgot. I have to go... work out. I'll see you later. (gets up from table an goes over to Stevie) I an't take this anymore! Everything I want, I an't have! Anything that's nie, I an't o. Everyone in the worl gets to o everything exept me! Julie: Malolm... Malolm: Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know there's other people worse off than me. You know what? I on't are. I'm sik of going to shool every ay smelling like feet! Julie: Malolm... Malolm: I hate being poor, okay? I mean, is that so ba? Why is that like some big harater flaw? It's not my fault we're poor! Stevie: Malolm! ----------------------- Page 6----------------------- Julie: You, um... left... your bakpak. Malolm: (to Stevie) Maybe you shoul try taking a really eep breath before you start talking. Stevie: Yeah. Hal: (on phone, in bathroom) Franis, where have you been? I've been looking for you for ays. Franis: I'm sorry, Da. I've just been burie here. Hal: Okay, listen, I've got kin of a ba news/ goo news thing here. Your mom lost her job, an we're pretty broke. The goo news is, that makes your tuition an issue. Now, I think I an talk her into letting you ome home. Franis: Da, no, I an't ome home! Marlin Aaemy is the best thing that has ever happene to me. I am at a ruial point in my rehabilitation. Hal: Uh-huh. What's her name? Franis: That's the thing. There's, like, ten of them! Lois: (Knok At Door) (To Reese) Chek the peephole. If they've got a han truk, on't open it. Craig, what are you oing here? Craig: Lois, I just ha a meeting with Mr. Pinter. Well, more like an hour begging, really. but the point is, you an have your ol job bak! Malolm: Yes! Lois: That is suh goo news! Craig: An all you have to o is apologize an let him ok your pay 150 buks an you have to work the graveyar shift for a ouple months. Lois: Oh. Reese: Souns goo, Mom. Lois: No, thanks. Malolm: What?! Reese: You're kiing. Craig: Why?! Lois: Beause that's like amitting he's right. I'm not going to o that. Craig: Lois, if this makes any ifferene I will work every graveyar shift right alongsie you - every single one of them. ----------------------- Page 7----------------------- Hal: Oh, hi, Craig. What's going on? Craig: Nothing. Just business. Take it easy, tiger. We're working. Well, I am. Hi. Bak to the grin. (runs off) Hal: Nie guy. Lay in Charge: Thank you, Tanya. Franis: Tanya, that was fantasti. I swear, when you put tap to it, the Plege of Allegiane just omes alive. One suggestion: Do you have a tube top? Tanya: Oh, Franis, you are just wonerful. I mean, you're so ifferent than the loal boys. I mean, I haven't even known you that long an I alreay feel so onnete to you. Franis: I know. It's almost mystial. Tanya: Yeah, an I'm so gla the gay thing isn't an issue. Franis: You're gay? Tanya: No, no, silly. You are. Franis: Wait. You think I'm gay? Tanya: Oh, you on't have to hie anything, honey. I mean, we're a lot more liberal here than you think we are. I mean, it's not like Birmingham. Franis: Wait a minute. You think I'm gay? Why o you think I'm gay? Tanya: Oh, ome on. You like the theatre, you're goo with eorating an, well, you're ompletely obsesse with your mother. Can you uno my hooks? Franis: Tanya, I'm kin of having a ilemma here... Girl: Oh, great. Frannie, an you spray me? My suit keeps riing up. Franis: That's why I'm here... girlfrien! Malolm: So what i you want to talk about? Caroline: I'm your teaher! Can't we just talk? You know, that Julie Houlerman is a very speial little girl. Malolm: Oh, ome on! Caroline, I on't want to... Caroline: Malolm, Malolm, Malolm, so private, so guare. But you on't have to be that way with me. I'm on your sie. Julie knows that. She's not even in my lass. Malolm: She talke to you? About me? What' she say? ----------------------- Page 8----------------------- Caroline: Aw, nothing that wasn't obvious alreay. You know when you open up to people you will always be surprise just how well things turn out. Kis: Surprise! Caroline: Isn't it wonerful? Julie organize the whole thing herself an everyone in shool respone. Julie: Dear Malolm, this isn't just foo. It's an expression of how we all feel about you. Our hearts go out to you in your time of nee. (everyone laps) Malolm: You're going to keep the foo? Lois: Yes. I'm not going to throw away perfetly goo pie filling an... lamb hutney. Malolm: Don't you even are how humiliating this is? Reese: We've one an rives. This is just the rap people fin when they lean out the garage. Lois: Okay, just stop it. I know how har this is, but no one ever sai life is fair. Sometimes eent, har- working people get umpe on for no goo reason. They just have to wipe their eyes an keep on walking. Something will turn up. We just have to hol on a little bit longer. Hal: An in the meantime be thankful for small favours. Anyone want the last olive? Malolm: Those aren't olives. Those are peahes. Don: Well, you got him here early, that's goo. He'll be fine in a few ays. Just like when this one ate the frog. Dewey: I only ate half of it. Don: I won't put the stomah pump on the bill. I mean, he i most of the work on the way over. Lois: Thanks, Don. Uh...listen, as far as the bill goes what kin of neighbourhoo are we in? Don: Well... the emergeny room, ouple of ays of observation, probably three or four. Lois: Three or four... hun...? (Don walks off) Okay. You boys take are of your a. I'm going to go see Mr. Pinter an beg for my job bak. Dewey: What? Mom, wait. You on't have to o that. Lois: Yes, I o. I on't want to, shouln't have to, but guess what? I o. But I want you boys to unerstan something. I am not going bak on anything I sai before. ----------------------- Page 9----------------------- Malolm: (TC): She's ompletely going bak on it but I'm not going to kik her when she's own. Reese: You're totally going bak on it. Lois: No, I am not. Everything I sai before still goes. You know, sometimes ba things happen an you on't unerstan why, an you just have to trust that there's a goo reason for it. Sure, it's easy to work in mysterious ways when you have a job. Malolm: (Hal breaks win) The first one who laughs gets their ass kike. Tanya: You have inreible hans. Franis: Well, it's easy on suh a beautiful bak. Not to mention the most talente... sweet... an sexy... What? Tanya: Franis... are... are you sure you're really... how you are? Franis: Tanya, I'm so onfuse. I mean, I thought that I was, but when I'm aroun you I have these... strange, new feelings. I feel like... maybe I oul... hange. That you oul be the woman who hanges me. Tanya: Oh, Franis... I was hoping you' say that. I want to be that woman for you. Mm, an on't you worry, honey. If there's one thing we know how to o own here it's how to fix this. Speaker: An with Go's help, we an say ''no!'' to weakness. We an say ''no!'' to all things unnatural! It is proreation, not rereation! An when Satan tempts us, what o we o? Pray out the gay. Get to it! Mr Pinter: I have to say, Lois, I'm surprise by this hange in your attitue. Lois: Yeah, well, me, too. Mr Pinter: I know we've ha our ifferenes but I hope that we an make all this water uner the brige. So, if you'll just sign here... Lois: Mm, what's this? Mr Pinter: Your apology. I think I've apture your voie rather niely. Lois: You want it in writing? Mr Pinter: Yes. Look, Lois, you an tell these lowns whatever you want - that I got on my knees an begge you to ome bak, I on't are. I just want you an I to know how things really are. That's not a signature. Lois: No, it's more of a suggestion. ''The horse you roe in on'' is optional. ----------------------- Page 10----------------------- Mr Pinter: Now, look - Lois: No, you look. I on't eserve this. The only thing I ever i wrong was all the work I i to over your butt. Mr Pinter: We obviously have ifferent efinitions of''wrong.'' Lois: Yeah, I guess we o. For instane, I think it's wrong for you to put your name on sales reports that you in't write. I think it's wrong you keep a little bag of 'herbs' in your bottom left rawer. An slept with the istrit manager's wife. An you want to know something? You on't even have to worry about it beause I also think it's wrong to blab this kin of thing. You know, you shoul be so gla that I'm the only one that knows this stuff about you. Anyone else here woul sell you own the river in a seon. Go, I am so muh better than you. (to Hal an the boys) Yeah, he just ran off an quit for no reason. Huh, who knows why? See, you o the right thing an everything works out for the best. Malolm: (TC): (sniffing shirt) Clean. (hols up lunh bag) I have Ho-Ho's-- real Ho-Ho's. You know, I'm sure I'm negleting my spiritual sie, but... money rules. The best part is, I an finally get everything straightene out with Julie. Julie: Hi, Malolm. Malolm: (angrily) Look, we're not poor anymore! So I on't want any more of your stupi pity, okay? (TC): That helpe, right?