----------------------- Page 1----------------------- Transcript by Amigo22 102 RED DRE RANCRIP Lois is mopping th loor in th hallway, whn sh passs th boys' room. Malcolm is studying at his dsk and s is sitting rading a book. h carris on mopping, thn gos back to th boys' doorway, smlling thy ar up to somthing. Lois: What'd you do? Malcolm: What? Lois: Don't giv m that. What'd you do? s: Nothing. Malcolm: Mom, I'm trying to study. Lois Oh. I'm sur you don't mind i I, took a look in hr. opns on o th boys' drawrs and rummags through it Malcolm: Mom, I'm tlling you, w didn't do anything. Lois: Oh, you boys ar up to somthing. I can smll it. Paus I you'v brokn anothr window, it is going to com out o your - rips opn curtains and no window is brokn s: Ar you don? You wanna risk m? Lois: You just considr yourslvs lucky. This tim. Lavs room and closs door, xposing Dwy, hanging rom th hook on th back o th door, tid up. Lois opns th door quickly, thn closs it again. Malcolm: Eithr sh’s losing hr touch, or w’r gtting bttr. Malcolm: TC Th good thing about bing smart is that I nvr hav to look up any phon numbrs. Th bad thing is, no-on ls in th amily vr bothrs to rmmbr anything. On phon Hy Francis. You told m to rmind you about Mom and Dad's annivrsary. Francis: Ah, grat, whn is that? Malcolm: Today. Francis: Dud, you'r supposd to rmind m bor, so I can gt 'm somthing. Malcolm: That's ok. W'll put your nam on thir git. Francis: Cool. Thanks man, I ow you on. Malcolm: No, you ow m twnty. That's what your shar coms to. Francis: You got thm an ighty dollar git? Malcolm: Uh, yah. Cut to th Lucky Aid, whr Craig brings Lois a git. ----------------------- Page 2----------------------- Transcript by Amigo22 Lois: Oh, Craig. Craig: Happy annivrsary. ixtn wondrul yars to th sam man, that Hal is on lucky hombr. Lois: Craig, you shouldn't hav. Craig: Oh, plas. A spcial git, or a spcial lady, on a spcial day. Lois: I man, no, rally, you shouldn't hav, arn't only husbands supposd to giv gits? Craig: Fin, throw it in th trash thn. Lois: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on, lt's s what it is irst. Opns git Oh, look at - I'v bn maning to try this colour. Craig: I know, I saw you ying it a coupl o wks ago. Lois: I didn't know w carrid this brand. Craig: W don't. Lois: o, whr did you s m - Craig: o, uh, big plans or tonight, what ar you going to b waring? Lois: Oh, it's going to b grat, I hav th most prct rd drss. It took m two months to sav up or it, but it was worth it. Oh, I'v bn antasizing about this night or vr. W ar shown Lois's antasy, o hr and Hal ating at th rstaurant, and thn Craig's, o himsl and Lois ating at th rstaurant, and Hal narby claning up and crying. Lois: Craig. Craig: Oh. Yah - uh, say, Lois, uh, you want to go catch a movi or somthing ovr lunch, thy'r playing My Bst Frind's Wdding ovr in Elctronics. Lois: Um, no thanks, I don't. Craig: Fin, orgt it. storms o, bumps into a rack o goods and it alls down onto him I'm ok! Cut to th bathroom at th Wilkrsons' hous, whr Lois is gtting rady. Lois calling Ar you boys almost inishd wrapping our prsnt? I hav to mt your athr at th rstaurant in tn minuts. Cut to th kitchn, whr th boys ar wrapping Hal and Lois's prsnt. Malcolm: Mor papr. Dwy: I gt to do th bow! s: Why did sh giv you th mony to buy th git? ----------------------- Page 3----------------------- Transcript by Amigo22 Malcolm: Bcaus sh didn't want anothr Karat vido. s: It's Karat-A. Dwy: I gt to do th bow! s: What'd w gt thm, anyway? Malcolm: Pictur ram. s: Brown-nosr. Dwy: I gt to do th bow! Malcolm: W'r not inishd yt! Dwy: Yah, but I gt to do th bow! Cut back to th bathroom, whr Lois wips hr mouth with a tissu, thn gos to throw th tissu in th toilt, whr sh discovrs hr rd drss, which is burnt. Malcolm: Finishd. s: Finally. Grabs bow rom Dwy's hands and sticks it onto th prsnt. Dwy: No! I was supposd to do th bow! s: Wll, you should hav said somthing. Dwy: I'm tlling. Mom! s Lois coming down th hall with th drss and runs back to th kitchn Noooooo! Lois: Fir? Fir? Fir? Malcolm: Mom, what - Lois: This is th most stupid, irrsponsibl, dangrous thing you hav vr don! Is this what you want? Whr w hav to idntiy your charrd littl bodis through thir dntal rcords? I want a straight answr. Who did this? s: Malcolm did it. Malcolm: s did it. s: I didn't do it! Malcolm: I didn't do it! Dwy: W'r going to th dntist? Cut to th boys in thir room with Lois, who is holding up a toy plan. Lois: Who? Malcolm and s point to ach othr. Lois throws th toy into a rubbish bag s: I didn't lik that on, anyway. Lois rachs or a plan hanging rom th ciling ----------------------- Page 4----------------------- Transcript by Amigo22 NO, no, not that on. Lois grins as sh pulls th toy down to put it in th bag Oh. Cut to th boys in th living room, spinning around with thir hads on basball bats. Lois: Who? All 3 boys: It wasn't m, it was him! Lois: Ok, into th hallway. Malcolm: I think I'm gonna puk. Lois: Yah? Wll, that's going to b th highlight o your vning, bcaus nobody is going anywhr till on o you tlls m who! Cut to Hal sitting at th rstaurant with a waitr. Hal: Evrything's all st up. Waitr: I bliv so, sir. Hal: Tabl svn, Chatau Brut, ighty-svn hors d'ouvrs mdly. Waitr: Ys, sir. Hal: Oh, jz. On mor thing. I almost orgot. , uh, my wi always ordrs lobstr, so could hav th ch slip this on th lobstr's claw, just bor you srv it? h gts such a kick out o stu lik that. Hmm, so do I or that mattr. Waitr: Not a problm, sir. Hal: Th violinist has our song? Waitr: H rcivd th sht music this morning. Hal: Good, good, good, good, good. You would b surprisd how many tims I hav hard "Tars o a Clown" just butchrd. Cut back to th Wilkrsons' hous, whr th boys ar all huddld togthr in th cornr. Malcolm: Tll hr. s: You tll hr. Lois: Who? Malcolm: s did it, and h nvr tlls th truth. s: Malcolm did it, and h nvr tlls th truth. Lois: Ok, closr to th wall. pushs thm closr Malcolm: Wait, Mom, sriously, it rks ovr hr. Dwy: I can't hlp it. ----------------------- Page 5----------------------- Transcript by Amigo22 Lois: Ok. Into th TV room, lt's go, Drags Malcolm and s away, laving Dwy alon in th cornr. h thn coms back and drags Dwy away Cut to a high angl shot o th living room, whr th boys' lgs ar sticking out rom undr th couch, thn cut to th boys undr th couch. s: I'll giv you iv dollars i you tll Mom you did it. Malcolm: You tll hr, you did it, bcaus I didn't do it. TC I rally didn't. s: What ar you ating? Dwy: Nothing. Malcolm: Why don't you guys shut up so I can think o somthing? s: What's thr to think o? Thr's nothing w can do. I'v nvr sn Mom so mad. Malcolm: M ithr. TC s is right. W'r out o our lagu. Thr's only on prson who vr had Mom this mad at thm, and survivd. Cut to Marlin Acadmy, whr Francis picks up th phon. Francis: Hllo? Francis: And sh has your hads whr? Malcolm: Undr th couch. All bcaus s won't admit h did it. s: You admit it. Malcolm: I didn't do it. s: Nithr did I. Malcolm: Liar! Francis: Whoa, whoa, whoa, chill, you ar not going to gt anywhr ighting with ach othr. Now, irst o all, you all burnd th drss. Malcolm: I didn't- Francis: Hy, you all did it. You hav to stay togthr, you hav to stay unitd. tanly: Unitd against who? Francis: My Mom. tanly: Nic! Francis: Ok, now no-on brok so ar, so you should b proud o yourslvs. h do th toy thing yt? Malcolm: Yp. ----------------------- Page 6----------------------- Transcript by Amigo22 Francis: pinning? Malcolm: Uh-huh. Francis: Ok, good. I think I know whr sh's going. parat intrviws. Listn. Whn sh gts you alon, sh's going to prtnd sh's on your sid. h's not. Cut back to th Wilkrson's hous, whr Lois is sitting at th kitchn tabl with Malcolm. A can o sot drink is in ront o him. Lois: To Malcolm Go ahad. It's a nam brand. Opns th can and Malcolm taks a sip I'm not mad at you. I know you didn't do this. You'r a good boy. And I want you to hlp m ind out who did. To s This is srious. On o your brothrs could hav burnd th hous down. And or that, h will b svrly punishd. To Dwy But th on who hlps m, will b a vry happy boy. And I want that to b you. To Malcolm Bcaus you'v always bn th bst on. To s You'v ALWAY bn th BET on. To Dwy You hav always bn th bst on. Malcolm: Mom, honstly. I don't know who did it. s: I don't know. Dwy: Don't know. Cut to all 3 boys togthr in th kitchn with Lois. Lois: Wll, I guss you boys think you'v got your old Mom ovr a barrl, huh? Wll, w'll just s about that. I you boys wanna play, w can play all…night…long. Cut back to Hal at th rstaurant. Waitr: ir hands Hal cordlss phon Hal: Oh, thank you, thank you. Oh, can I hav anothr vodka martini plas, bor you go? This tim, lt's go oliv, onion, oliv. Wll. phon is still busy W s Francis on th phon at Marlin Acadmy, with a small group o cadts around him. W cut back to th Wilkrsons' hous, whr th boys ar in th bdroom. Malcolm is talking to Francis. Lois is playing on o Dwy's taps up loud on a portabl stro. Francis: What's that, I can't har you. Malcolm: h's killing us! Cut to Lois in th hallway, whr sh turns up th volum on th stro, and drinks hr cup o ta. Cut back to th boys' bdroom, whr s is lying on his bd, his had burid in pillows. ----------------------- Page 7----------------------- Transcript by Amigo22 Dwy sitting on his bd, cuddling his tddy bar: Why dos sh hav to ruin vrything I lov? Malcolm on phon: Francis, I'm just going to tll hr I did it. I know it wasn't m, but anything is bttr than this! Francis: Malcolm, you cannot crack now, sh will own you or th rst o your li! Now listn to m, Malcolm. You hav to do xactly what I say. Cut to Lois walking through th hous to th boys' bdroom, smiling. h opns th door to ind thm dancing around in a circl, singing along to th tap. h closs th door again. s: Did you s that? Malcolm: Hooray! Malcolm: Francis is a gnius. Com on, sing loudr! Th boys start dancing and singing again, as Lois opns th door again, this tim holding a vido camra. Lois: Oh, so cut! Oh, your grandmothr and all your rinds ar just going to lov this at your nxt birthday party! Cut back to Francis on th phon at Marlin Acadmy. Francis: You'r kidding m! Ok, just hang in thr, giv m a minut to think. Damn sh's good. a w mor cadts join th group Eric: What's up? Jo: Did thy crack? Francis: No, Dwy akd a stomach cramp. Bought 'm som tim. Jo: Good man. Cadt: Man, i w would hav had your Mom in Nam, thr'd b a McDonald's in Hanoi quar right now. Drw: Dud, thr is a McDonald's in Hanoi quar. Cadt: All right! h givs iv to Drw Cut back to Hal at th rstaurant, trying to gt hold o Lois, but th phon is still busy. Hal: Franklin. ady to ordr. Franklin: Ar you sur, sir? Hal: Mmm-hmm. , in our amily, w hav a saying. Atr an hour, at without hr. I it's any longr, somthing's wrongr. Franklin: Vry catchy, sir. Hal: Wll, whn li givs you lmons, mak lmonad, Franklin. Do you hav any lmonad? Franklin: No, sir. Hal: Do you hav lmons? ----------------------- Page 8----------------------- Transcript by Amigo22 Franklin: Ys sir. Hal: Wll, throw on in anothr martini, and lt's shar thos spcials. Cut back to th Wilkrsons' hous, whr Malcolm opns th boys' bdroom door and looks down th hallway. s: What's sh doing? Malcolm: Can't tll. s: Mayb sh lt. Malcolm: Yah, I think sh's gon down to buy us all prsnts. Dwy: Hooray! s: Man, it's just too quit out thr. It's driving m crazy. Dwy: Mayb w should sing som mor. Malcolm and s li down on thir bds s: hut up, Dwy. I wondr how many hols ar up in thos tils. Malcolm: On hundrd and ighty six thousand, our hundrd and ighty. s: You countd ALL o thos? Malcolm: No. You just count on til's row across and down, multiply it and thn multiply it again by th numbr o tils. s: You'r doing that mor and mor. Malcolm: Doing what? s: That brain thing. Ar you just gonna kp gtting smartr and wirdr? Malcolm: I dunno. s: Wll can you ton it down a littl bit? Cos I cant kp up with all ths butt kickings. Malcolm: What ar you talking about? s: Wll at last twic a day I hav to whoop ass on som kid calling you a wirdo. Honstly! It's xhausting. Malcolm: You bat up kids caus thy call m a wirdo? s: Wll th last kid? H was a rak anyways. H was in NO position to throw out nams. Malcolm: Thanks! s: For what? Malcolm: Nothing. ----------------------- Page 9----------------------- Transcript by Amigo22 s: Hy, what am I thinking right now? Malcolm: I'm smart, I'm not a psychic. Dwy: Can you undrstand what dogs ar saying? Malcolm: No. Dwy: I can. Lois calling: Oh, boys! Cut to th boys in th living room with Lois, who is sprading a tarpaulin out on th loor. Lois putting on glovs: I don't know who put you up to this sticking togthr garbag, but I don't lik it. Thror, you hav orcd m to do somthing trribl. ay goodby to a chrishd amily mmbr. WHO? swings ax at TV All 3 boys: NOOOOOO! Lois: Uh uh uh! Don't you dar! door knocks And don't mov a muscl! walks to door Ed: Hi Lois. Lois: Look, Ed. Its nin o’clock. I'm a littl busy right now. Ed: Wll, you s, thr is th problm. It's nin o’clock at night and I kp haring scraming. Now this didnt sound lik your normal scraming. It soundd mor lik killing scraming. Now I'm not on to complain- Lois: Thats why w lik you! shuts door in his ac Lois ss that th TV is gon and th boys ar panting Lois: In your room, NOW! Cut back to Hal at th rsturant. H is ntring th mn's bathroom, whr th attndant is doing somthing at th bnch. Hal: Nic plac you'v got hr. Attndant: Thank you, sir. I lik to crat an atmosphr. Did you njoy your mal, sir? Hal: Wll, i you can call our olivs, two onions and a whol lot o alcohol a mal, thn, ys. Attndant: Prtty good, sir. Hal: What hav you got in th Colon dpartmnt? Attndant: Wr you looking or anything in particular? Hal: Wll, I'v bn thinking about a signatur sns. Attndant: Yah. ----------------------- Page 10----------------------- Transcript by Amigo22 Hal: I'd lik to lav a room and hav popl say, "boy, it smlls lik Hal in hr". Attndant: Hmm, good. Hal: In a nic way. Attndant: You strik m as a andalwood. Hal: andalwood, huh? andalwood, lt's giv a smllsy, shall w? Puts som on and rubs his wrists togthr Huh? Attndant: Ys, that's quit nic, you'r not kidding m. Hr w go. Hal: laughs as h wips som on his nck and ac Oh, that's quit nic! You do a srvic to your crat, sir. To anothr guy This man is a gnius. Th othr guy lavs nooty bastard.You'd think this plac would b th grat qualizr, huh? Evn a king looks lik a ool whn h's answring natur's call, am I right? I'm right. Wll. It's bn a plasur. Hav a good vning. Attndant: Oh, sir? Hal: Ys? Attndant: Thank you or making y contact with m. Cut back to th Wilkrsons' hous. Lois: sounding clos to crying Boys, I - I just don't know what to do any mor. I don't want to punish anyon, all I want is th truth. I don't know how things got this ar, but I just want it to stop. Camra angl changs showing us that Lois was practising in ront o th bathroom mirror, what sh was going to say Nah, thy'll nvr buy it. walks back to th kitchn, ss th prsnt on th tabl, and picks it up, looks at it, thn looks up in right Oh my god, Hal! puts down th prsnt, thn gos to pick up th phon, whr Malcolm is talking to Francis, who now has all th cadts around him Francis: Thy savd th TV! Cadts: ALL IGHT, YEAH! Francis: Bautiul work boys, that's bautiul, you hav hr xactly whr you want hr, totally crazy. Now its tim to tak th onsiv. Malcolm: Th onsiv? Francis: Exactly. h wont…wait a minut. Do you har brathing? Malcolm: What? Francis: MOM??? All th cadts bolt rom th corridor Lois: Malcolm. Would you hang up th phon plas? Francis: Hi mom! Happy annivrsary! Cut to th boys in thir bdroom. Malcolm: Not good, not good. ----------------------- Page 11----------------------- Transcript by Amigo22 s: What? What is it? Malcolm: MOM...PHONE! s: Oh god…oh god. Dwy: WE'E GONNA DIE! divs undr th bd Malcolm: I gotta run away. puts on his shos s: Wait. W can gt out o this grabs malcolm by shirt THINK. THINK!!! Malcolm: TC All I can think about..is how hard h's strtching my nippl. OW! Malcolm: Think. Think. I got it. Cut back to th rstaurant, whr Hal is sitting at th tabl with th mn's bathroom attndant, and thy'r laughing. Violinist coms to thir tabl and bgins to play Hal: Hr it is. That's our song. Our song. th guys kp laughing Cut to Marlin Acadmy, whr Lois is rprimanding Francis on th phon. Lois: I cannot bliv you, Francis. You think you ar so clvr turning thm against m, don't you. Francis: No, Mom. Lois: W did not snd you to Military chool so you could undrmin my authority long-distanc. Francis: Thn why did you snd m? Lois: Wll, it was not so you could undrmin my authority. And I I am not mistakn, you ar undrmining my authority! Francis: And what ar you doing? You'r spnding your annivrsary at hom, ixating on a stupid drss. Is that what you wantd to do tonight? Lois: What am I supposd to do, Francis? Lt it go? Francis: Ys, that is xactly what you should do, lt it go. But you can't, bcaus you can nvr lt anything go. Lois: I can too lt things go. Francis: Fin. Lois: I can. Francis: Fin. Lois: I CAN! Francis: Ok, just orgt I said anything. ----------------------- Page 12----------------------- Transcript by Amigo22 Lois: I cannot talk to you anymor, ooh, you mak m so mad, somtims I just want to brak your nck! Did you gt th cookis I snt you? Francis: Yah, thy wr grat. Lois: Good. Hangs up on him and a smashing nois coms rom th boys' room. Lois gos to thir room and opns th door, xposing s hanging rom a pic o roo that's dangling rom th ciling, and Malcolm waring a pillow strappd to his body, and a torch on his had.. Malcolm TC: I swar to god, on papr, this was a grat ida s alls onto th dusty loor Lois: All right, that's it. Gt drssd, w'r going to dinnr. Malcolm TC: Oh my god, it did work! s: What? Lois: Dinnr. I won't hav you boys starving to dath. Th last thing I nd is a bunch o social workrs and rportrs taring up th ront lawn. Now hurry up bor I chang my mind. s: What about th drss? Lois: I rally likd that drss. h closs th door, and th ciling alls down on thir hads Cut to th loung, whr a car pulls up outsid. Hal: Hy, thanks or th rid, Tony. Tony: Any tim, Hal. Hal: unlocking th door and coming insid Hllo? Hony? Boys? Anybody hom? No answr, as Lois and th boys ar at dinnr Gotcha! This vning just kps gtting bttr and bttr. its down on th couch, lights up his pip, and throws th still lit match onto th couch covr, which soon catchs alight. Cut to xtrior shot o th hous, whr w s Hal taking th burning covr to th bathroom, and har th toilt lushing.